Nostalgia

The archives of my life were delved into this afternoon, when I began looking through some "ancient" pictures of me, family, and friends, dating back four years ago. We laughed at how babyish some of my siblings looked, giggled at how my little brother had two sets of his two front teeth at the same time, one set right in front of the other - I always joked with him he could chew twice as fast as the rest of us because of it. We "oh wowed" at lost (or gained) weight, tried to remember almost forgotten cat's names, "aaaah"-ed as we saw pictures of friends we haven't seen since the pictures were taken. It was a delightful few moments of nostalgia. We looked so happy, so alive, so free.

Alot has happened in four years, at least alot has happened in my life. At twenty-four, I've seen alot more of the reality of life than when I was twenty. The world was at my feet, just waiting to be explored! A word I would use to describe who I was when I was twenty is "expectant." I was ready for every dream to happen, every excitement, every great adventure. And I've had adventures! I've had royal times that I'd never trade for anything! The Lord has blessed me with a grand wealth of joyful years, loving family, those few steadfast friends.

But when I closed the book on the pictures...I felt that familiar twinge in my heart. "Expectant" isn't a word I would use to describe myself anymore. Maybe "resigned." Or rather, "calm." I'm not old, I'm actually rather young, but pain has a way of maturing the heart and anguish can so quickly cause you to leave girlish fantasies behind. And in my life, that took place in a painful way. Not in a way that is unique from anyone else, but still just as forceful as any other.

I don't wake up in the morning with the thought of "what if it's today?" But rather, I thank God for life, His presence, His steadfast love despite my failures (past and present), and know that most likely, today will be just like any other day.

I know it's good to realize that life ISN'T a fairy-tale, castles in the sky are just as stable and likely to last as castles built on the sand. But I regret that I've taken such a cynical view on life. Compared to what I was a year ago, I'm a regular court-jester, but compared to someone who still has the world at their feet, I'm rather an old fogey. I have the joy of the Lord, I have a peace in my heart that passes understanding. But I do have a drag in my step. I have "inner peace." But the "outer glow" is still pretty dim.

And I want that to change! I don't want to be a stick in the mud all my life! I have a hard time believing in "happily ever after," because of the anguish of losing deep love that I have felt (someday that story will be told). But I want to kick of these doldrums, and be as expectant about life as I used to be!! With God anything is possible, so with God anything can happen! I'm a melancholy at heart, but God's promises are true, despite my "personality."

My prayer is that the Lord will give me the grace to realize that despite past pain, the future is STILL glowing bright.

"Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth until those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 3:14

That's What Friends Are For

I have been SO encouraged this past week! I have been so "alone" in my walk with Christ, as there are no young women (or young men, for that matter) around me who share the same commitment and honest passion for Christ and holiness as I do. It's been a blessed time, as I've been realizing that I must translate my loneliness into prayer at the Throne...but also, I have really seen the reason why God established the "church," the Body of Christ, and said "do not forsake the gathering of brethren." If we cannot walk with God steadfast even when we have no friends to "support"us, then our faith is nothing. BUT on the flip side, I see so clearly how the support and encouagement of other believers is so important! I don't mean Christians who only "make you feel good," but who exhort you to deeper walks with God, who encourage you (and follow you!) into personal time alone with God, who share the same standards of life as you know God has called us to...you don't realize how IMPORTANT and WONDROUS that is until, like me, you have none of that.

I stumbled upon a "blog community" this week of Christian women/girls seeking the Lord, and actively living and talking opening about modesty, purity, holiness, and deepening your relationhip with God. It has done my weak heart SO much good to read the exortation of other sisters, to see their transparent lives, read their struggled in this battle we face in our singleness (I believe the mass amounts of "waiting" women is a spiritual battle - the Enemy is wreaking havoc amongs the godly men [and just as much the women, too, but as a young single women myself, I'm most personally aware of it's affects on single women])...I don't know ANY of these girls, probably never will. Alot of them have differences from myself - they say "modest," I say "frumpy," or they say "modest," and I say "NOT modest" or "clothes are too important to you by the way you glam up." Some say "courtship" or "dating," whereas I say "seek the LORD's standards for YOUR life-style and don't mold to someone else's ideas" (too big a topic to try and explain here...). Some say "Reformed" or "Baptist" or "Jewish"...whereas I say "non/denominational-hard-core-follower-of-God-and-His-Word." Point made, I'm not a cookie cutter of any of these young women. BUT they share my passion for Jesus and the REAL Jesus. I am grateful for these women and girls who have shared a few paragraps of their lives with me (altho unknowingly) and who blessed and encouraged me.

Claiming a Victory

Tonight I am claiming a promise from God. I have been unable to claim promises from the Word for some time, because in the past I have over-used that ability and I "claimed" things that God did not promise, only what I IMAGINED God was saying. That led to a whole mess of trouble in my spiritual life, one of the results being I have found myself to find anything to "claim" because I've been so afraid that it would prove to be false, and I would be "let down by God". But I have felt a deep, pulling guidance from the Lord the past few days, a special call from Him, calling me deeper into the vast depths of His person, into the very heart of Christ. Tonight I broke down - weeping, hurting, longing - in answer to His call. I cried out to God for help. And He answered me from His holy temple. This is what He gave me, and that which I claim:

"Just as I have brought all this great disaster upon this people, so I will bring upon them all the good that I promised them...Thus says the Lord: In this place of which you say 'it is a waste without man or beast,' in the cities of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem that are desolate...there shall be heard again the voice of mirth and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the voices of those who sing, as they bring thank offerings to the house of the Lord: Give thanks to the Lord of hosts, for the Lord is good, for His steadfast love endures forever! For I will restore the fortunes of the last as at first, says the Lord." (Jeremiah 32:42, 33:10-11)

My relationship with God once was deep, intimate, overwhelming. I have looked back jealously on my own past, before trial set in, and longed for that time back. But I have not been able to get there, whether by the Enemy's schemes or my own resistance. Either way, it's elluded me. As I wept tonight because I felt the Lord calling me back, but I felt like I didn't know how to get there, I read this passage. And He says "I will restore the fortunes of the Land as at first." Jesus is going to restore me. He's going to restore me back to that lifting fellowship with Him. HE'S going to do it. He's promised to restore me. The voice of mirth will resound in this land - in ME! - this land that has been desolate for so long. The voice fo the bridegroom will trumpet loudly through my heart, and the fellowship of sweet tears will be mine again. I long for it. I thirst for it. I feel my resistance breaking, even as I claim this promise. I feel it's a step away from the bondage of my own sins.

Thus says the Lord. And there is power in the name of the Lord. I love you, Jesus.

Don't Stop Believing

Today, the Lord showed me a beautiful thing. I've always looked back over those months of trial and have felt that I failed. I knew God allowed it all to test my faith, and I've felt that I failed. I railed at God, I ignored God, I complained, fought, and "pretended" with God. I pretty much felt like I'd given up on God. And it's been to my utter shame that instead of being as Job - "though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" - I gave up on God.

Or so I thought.

This morning, as I was brushing my teeth over the bathroom sink, like a bombshell, I realized something. I was wrong - I never stopped believing in God. Even as I argued, the fact of my argument showed I believed there was Someone to argue with. So many times I wanted to kill myself, but I never did, because deep down I KNEW there was a God and that suicide was NOT His way. I may not have shown like gold in the fire, but I DID pass the test. I never stopped believing in God, no matter how many other ways I failed. I think my whole soul smiled when God showed me that. I've walked under condemnation of my failure and rejection against God, and I see now that Satan blew it up out of proportion and used it against me. Yeah, I was a pretty pathetic example of a martyre, but I still believed!! Deep down, I never gave up.

I DID pass the test! You'd have to be me to understand the joy I feel right now! =)

A New Dress for an Old Friend

I need to revamp this blog. During the time of my loss and refining that took place over the last two years, this blog was my out-let, the "friend" on whom to throw the overflow of my crumbling emotional, mental, and spiritual state of mind. I could write my thoughts, no matter how painful, how irrational, how petty, how immature, or how silly they may look now. This was "the shadows of my bleeding heart," (update: previous sub-title of this blog) for indeed, my heart bled fiercely. But now, the wound is healed, altho I pray the scar remains, to remind me of what God brought me through. But I am no longer symoblically waiting for the evening sun-rise, because it has now already dawned brighter and more clearly than I ever imagined. It is indeed beautiful. And now, I'm on another journey, another stage of life. The evening sun-rise is behind me, shining a light on ahead...Maybe I'm waxing on too peotical - writing IS my outlet - but when a heart feels deeply, whether pain or joy, it speaks in the language of poetry. And so waxeth I on. =)



My mom, who is my greatest mentor and role model, wrote this for me during one of those dark days when I felt God has ceased to listen to me. I have kept this little sticky note and to this day it still serves as a daily reminder, a reminder that I constantly need.

So Yesterday

Six months since my last post. It seems like a lifetime ago. But wonderful things have happend in that time, God has been so faithful beyond what I can comprehend. He has healed my heart, fully and completely. He has brought me through the crisis of my faith, and on this side, I am in love with Jesus and revelling in the marvel of His glorious presence in my life. I have NO greater joy. My relationship with Jesus - and it is a REAL relationship again! - is so precious to me. Every day the Lord is activating my heart and mind to greater depths of love for Him and awareness of how much I need Him. He is convicting my heart of sin, and empowering me to repent from those sins and leave them behind. The Word is coming alive to me, it's a pearl of greatest price. My insecurites are beind left behind, I am gaining new vison and new goals for my life. Fear and self are losing their power over me and I walk in new victory every day. I am learning to take every thought captive and to cast my cares upon Him, because I KNOW He cares for me! I am seeing the depravity of sin, in my own life and in the lives around me. I have a heart to see Christ and Him crucified to become the center of our world again, I want to see hearts TRULY seek after God. I am seeing changes that I need to make in my life, things that are accepted but NOT RIGHT - my fitted clothes; movies with unholy content; music that draws me towards my own earthly desires; attitudes that are about ME and not God. The list goes on. The Lord is giving me snippets of truth each day that build upon each other, 'til they boil over into an immense truth that causes me to stagger under the weight of it's power.

I could go on. But suffice to say, I have returned to the Lord and He is more than I ever knew He was. He is everything.

I feel better today. But I know that my state of "happiness," is not because I've come to grips with my questions about God and am resting in trust again, but because I've put it into a box out of the way, and I've reverted back to my state of "pretending" that everything is fine with me and God. I still do not have that boundless wellspring of trust and praise for Him - that intimacy that I crave and know frome experience is available. The wellspring that is my life's flow.

I'm starving without is, slowly day by day. But I had a talk with my mom (my role model and best friend), and something that I walked away with was....how focused I am on ME. I'm obsessed with ME. I'm upset because God's not coming through for ME. Things are working out for ME. Me, me, me. And when I'm focused on me, there's not room left for God. I'm having an affair with myself. Maybe this is my answer? Whether yes or no, I still can't find the right step to take.

Insecure. That's how I feel. Not "insecure" as in who I am as person, not an identity crisis, but rather, insecure in my relationship with God. And I know it's my own fault.

Growing up, especially in my later teen years and early-early 20's, I felt so secure in my faith. Nothing could shake me, I firmly believed without question in the miracles of the past, present, and future - expecting any moment for God to blow the top off of a story that would boggle the minds of all men. God was real, true, powerful, supernatural, my BEST friend, my true sourse of life, He was my everything. But 18 months ago, that began to change. And now I find mysel still KNOWING that God is real, true, powerful, supernatural, my best friend, my true sourse of life...but I feel SO insecure. I can't even say my faith is small, because I fear I have no faith at all. I know that I am responsible for my sins and failures, and I can't blame circumstances for where I am...but looking at my circumstances does help to understand why I believe the lies I believe and why I lack faith.

During the past 18 months, I have had circumstances that have forced me to seek after God like I never have before. I was lost, I was dissilusioned, I was confused - and it was those feelings that forced me to Him. There were many times during those months that I felt like I had a word from God. And that word was to PRAY for < insert specific prayer for what seemed humanly impossible >. And in each time, I set myself to pray. I prayed until I almost felt sweat drops of blood. I cried out. I fasted. I interceded. I had HUGE faith. But the truth of the matter is...none of the prayers have ever been answered. Not a one. And over time, my faith eroded. In the most basic form of putting it...I feel like God let me down. I honestly felt like I heard a specific direction from God to pray for what seemed impossible...but He never did anything, no matter how hard and long I prayed and saught His face. As time went on and I began realizing that my heart was moving away from the things I thought were important, the answer to those prayers became less vital to me. Pretty soon, that answer wasn't really relevant to my life anymore. And moving on was ok. I was ready. But what stands firm in my memory...is that God didn't answer me. He seemed to speak. I gave my all in prayer. And He never did anything. I'm left with two messages from that:

1) I can't hear from God. What I hear always prove wrong.
2) God isn't powerful enough. And God won't answer MY prayers anymore.

I know those thing are wrong. But I have no tangible evidence in my recent life to prove it. I know that faith is believing in what is NOT seen...but I feel like God has just left me out in the dark. I feel like I need to SEE something happen. I am ashamed of my faithlessness...driven by the sea and tossed, as it says in James. But I need to experience for myself that God hears me when I pray and that He answers me. Else my life is worth nothing, because I cannot live without Him in my life. I need to know He's really there.

If I were to read this exact post on someone else's blog, I would know exactly what advice to give, verses to quote, and encouragement to give to boost their faith and to remind them of the power of our God. I KNOW the answers in my head, I can rattle them off to someone like me...but in my secret of hearts, I am so insecure.

Looking back over the past 12 months of my life, I would definitely label myself as a troubled and unstable individual! But despite the despair and depression that I drowned in for so long, this past year has been such an important part of who I have become. My faith in Christ, which I had always believed to be so strong and unshakable, was completely torn down. But the glory and wonder of our God, is that when He tears down, it's only to build back up again, better and stronger than it was before. And that's what's happened with me. In some ways I feel wiser and more mature, but at the same time, I feel almost like a baby Christian, as the Lord is each day taking my faith to the very basics of Christianity, and I believe for the first time, an invaluable and necessary foundation is being laid down. No longer do I have a relationship with Christ that has been based on my emotional experiences, altho I do not discredit those experiences. But now, I have walked a valley and climbed a mountain that has laid brick by brick the solid foundation of truth and reality in Christ. It's been a very difficult year. I still have scars and wounds yet to heal, I'm not done with this process. But will I ever be truly "done?" Maybe this trial will fade as the years pass, but I know that my journey with Christ is never over. It's goes on for eternity.

Praise the Lord who has given me wings, so that I now can soar on wings like the eagles.

I am free.