I've realized some important things the past few days, even in the midst of my continuing sorrow, pain, and apprehensions.

1) I have presumed on God's will. I've presumed on Him in that I assumed that what I wanted - and what I want is a God-honoring thing - is what He wanted too, and that He would do it. Yes, what I ask for is something that would honor Him, but it may not be His will. I don't know what His will is. I have presumed on God's will.

2) I have believed in word that God's plan is best. But I have not believed that in my heart. I have held onto my desires, refusing to see how what God is doing can really turn out as even more than I could have dreamed.

3) I have not surrendered everything. Because I wasn't believing that God's plan could be best, I was holding onto my ideals.

Lord, thank you for continually taking me steps towards being where You want me to be. Thank you for your patience and gentleness in opening my eyes and heart gradually.

My nose turns red when I cry.

So close to reaching that famous happy end,
Almost believing that this was not pretend,
Lets go on dreaming, for we know we are,
So close, and still so far.

The undulating waves of hope are mysterious and undependable. One moment, hope rises to the top, seemingly to defy all doubt and question. The next, by a mere word or careless deed, that hope falls, hits the ground, and lays gasping for any breath. There must be some kind of middle ground, some safe harbor to rest the weary heart. But when that same heart is filled with desire and yearning, it continues to climb desperately for the top again, no matter how many times it falls. Will the heart ever learn to leave hope behind? Is hope it's savior...or it's nemesis? I cannot say. But what I do know is:

"I will yet hope in God my Savior; I will yet praise Him more and more."

If you asked me "how are you," I would reply truthfully that I am doing well. Yet very few will see that whereas "I'm well" is correct, it also encompasses a deep well of unfathomable sadness. I AM "well," but it's underlined and overshadowed by a overwhelming sense of sorrow. It amazes me in a tragic sort of way that life can proceed and go on like it seemingly always has, but it many ways, the very lights that made it bright have simply gone out.

I foresee that the large bowl of chocolate on the community food table with be drastically reduced by 4:30 today...

One of my favorite lines in all of the Anne of Green Gables books is the one that says "there is a book of revelation in ever one's life." Here is Anne, suddenly realizing that the man she's spurned all her life and who now lies dying, is really the man she's loved and cannot live without. The book of Revelation was opened in her heart, and she saw things as they really are.
My book of Revelation has slowly been opening the past few weeks, but somehow I've completely missed one of the main ideas of the revelation's message. The message has been simple: I am proud. I am haughty. I am self-righeous. I am self-centered. I look upon myself as greater than others. I have looked at how close I am to God, rather than how far away from God I am. I have elevated my spiritual knowledge and experience up to an equal level with God Himself. I have belittled the standards and spiritual experiences of others, because I felt that somehow I had had a special spiritual touch from God that others hadn't been entrusted with. How wrong I have been.
In Anne's life, her revelation made her the recipient of her heart's dream. In my book of revelation, I am the one who lost so much.

The happy giggle of an 8 month old little girl is a sound that refreshes the spirit and lightens the heart.

Sometimes the heart is just too full to speak. Sometimes the heart is just too empty to speak. Sometimes it's just both.

I reached for another kleenex from my office's handy-dandy kleenex box amd pulled on the protruding piece of white softness. As I watched the next piece follow at it's heals, I realized that a miracle had transpired! For, lo! The next kleenex wasn't WHITE, but a destinct shade of "gold!" I have found the golden kleenex! What did I win??