The other evening, as I was spending time alone with God in my closet, the Lord took my mind on a journey of thought. And those thoughts have staid in my head, resurfacing again and again for more contemplation and consideration.

A person going into a career spends an extreme amount of time, money, and energy into becoming what they want to be. Someone planning on becoming a doctor puts mulitple years, numerous levels of education, unbelievable amounts of money, as well as all of their mental faculties into becoming that doctor. But if this doctor is a Christian, what is he primarily? Is he that doctor? OR...is he a Christian? If you listed numerically, greatest on top, of WHAT he is, in the eyes of God (the most important Eyes), WHAT is he? I believe "Christian" should be at the top of the list. If being a doctor is secondary to "Christian," in theory, shouldn't the time and effort he puts into his walk with Christ soundly rival even the efforts of becoming a doctor? Granted, I see that a person's career should be a means of glorifying Christ, and so I am not saying that a person shouldn't put that time and effort needed into becoming the BEST at what they do ("whatsoever you do, do ALL for the glory of Christ"), but I guess in theory...it just got me thinking.

I am, first and formost, a Christian. How much of that time and effort am I putting into being the woman of godliness and integrity that Christ has called me to be? How much of my mind have I given to meditating on and memorizing God's Word? How much time do I spend dailey ("I will give neither sleep to my eyes or slumber to my eyelids, until I have found a place for the Lord") alone, on my face, before the Lord, seeking out the very heart of God? How much of my anxieties and worries do I hand over to the Lord, giving Him the control? How often do I pause and thank the Lord? Are my "ambushes of praise" (2 Kings 20) mighty attacks, or puny fist-fights? Where on that list, in my life, does "Christian" rank?

Lord, "as you train my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze," (Ps. 18) train my heart to seek after You FIRST, before I seek after anything else.

It's amazing how things can change! I was just reading back over some of my blog posts, most of them written in the heat of a moment's pain. How I wrote it, is how I felt that moment. Maybe those thought didn't last longer than that moment during which I wrote it, or maybe that pain they protrayed was a constant in the days surrounding the writing. Alot of them where. But as I look back, I remember the pain of when I wrote those, sometimes written through my own agony of tears, and it makes me smile. Ironic, wierd, strange that it should make me smile now...but the truth behind the smile is, looking back on where I was, makes me so more clearly where I am NOW and where GOD has brought me! Each past post epitamized a feeling of deep loss and pain that was very real, no matter how fickle, silly, over-emotional, or unrational it may have seemed to an unbiased reader. The emotional swings, discovering hidden fears, remember past relationships that I though were long dead - each one of them served a HUGE purpose in bringing me to where I am now. It was a LONG road, a twisting road...but it WAS a road, and a road that God had placed under my feet for me to travel. And so, as I read back and see all the turmoil of emotions that have now ceased to be so constant and so "important," I rejoice that they happened (even the ones that were irrational and rediculous!) because they each played a part in God's workings in my heart, my life, my past, my present, and my future.

God IS good! And what's more - He's MY God.

Lord, please bring something new to replace the old. Please let something beautiful come into my life. I'm trapped in the ashes of what is now old, but I have nothing new to take it's place.

I've realized some important things the past few days, even in the midst of my continuing sorrow, pain, and apprehensions.

1) I have presumed on God's will. I've presumed on Him in that I assumed that what I wanted - and what I want is a God-honoring thing - is what He wanted too, and that He would do it. Yes, what I ask for is something that would honor Him, but it may not be His will. I don't know what His will is. I have presumed on God's will.

2) I have believed in word that God's plan is best. But I have not believed that in my heart. I have held onto my desires, refusing to see how what God is doing can really turn out as even more than I could have dreamed.

3) I have not surrendered everything. Because I wasn't believing that God's plan could be best, I was holding onto my ideals.

Lord, thank you for continually taking me steps towards being where You want me to be. Thank you for your patience and gentleness in opening my eyes and heart gradually.

My nose turns red when I cry.

So close to reaching that famous happy end,
Almost believing that this was not pretend,
Lets go on dreaming, for we know we are,
So close, and still so far.

The undulating waves of hope are mysterious and undependable. One moment, hope rises to the top, seemingly to defy all doubt and question. The next, by a mere word or careless deed, that hope falls, hits the ground, and lays gasping for any breath. There must be some kind of middle ground, some safe harbor to rest the weary heart. But when that same heart is filled with desire and yearning, it continues to climb desperately for the top again, no matter how many times it falls. Will the heart ever learn to leave hope behind? Is hope it's savior...or it's nemesis? I cannot say. But what I do know is:

"I will yet hope in God my Savior; I will yet praise Him more and more."

If you asked me "how are you," I would reply truthfully that I am doing well. Yet very few will see that whereas "I'm well" is correct, it also encompasses a deep well of unfathomable sadness. I AM "well," but it's underlined and overshadowed by a overwhelming sense of sorrow. It amazes me in a tragic sort of way that life can proceed and go on like it seemingly always has, but it many ways, the very lights that made it bright have simply gone out.

I foresee that the large bowl of chocolate on the community food table with be drastically reduced by 4:30 today...

One of my favorite lines in all of the Anne of Green Gables books is the one that says "there is a book of revelation in ever one's life." Here is Anne, suddenly realizing that the man she's spurned all her life and who now lies dying, is really the man she's loved and cannot live without. The book of Revelation was opened in her heart, and she saw things as they really are.
My book of Revelation has slowly been opening the past few weeks, but somehow I've completely missed one of the main ideas of the revelation's message. The message has been simple: I am proud. I am haughty. I am self-righeous. I am self-centered. I look upon myself as greater than others. I have looked at how close I am to God, rather than how far away from God I am. I have elevated my spiritual knowledge and experience up to an equal level with God Himself. I have belittled the standards and spiritual experiences of others, because I felt that somehow I had had a special spiritual touch from God that others hadn't been entrusted with. How wrong I have been.
In Anne's life, her revelation made her the recipient of her heart's dream. In my book of revelation, I am the one who lost so much.