I am free.

I guess this blog is now going to become a "single's" blog...this is hard. So much to say, just don't know how to say it.

Everywhere I look, I find Christian people applauding and supporting media that is SO ungodly. I marvel in disbelief that the very people with whom I have conversations with about godliness, living like Christ, and striving for the beauty of holiness, can turn around and label themselves as "fans" of films that are full of sexual content, lust, explicite behavior, immodesty, and altogether a style of morals and life-styles that are the complete opposite of God's ways. I really don't get it.

I think that Christians fall the hardest. Because when they fall, not only do they bring themselves down, but with their fall, they drag down the name and kingdom of Jeusus - our pure, holy, righteous God.

Being a young woman, my desire is to glorify Christ in my life, and to get married. But as I watch young man after young man crash before my eyes, I wonder if marriage is set out in my future someday at all, because I don't see men standing up for truths of the Bible! Purity, holiness, modesty, discretion, chastity - do these matter anymore to anyone else? I mean, REALLY TRULY matter? I know many guys who talk big about it, who I know truly want to glorify our God with their lives. Yet, somehow, there's a disconnect when they sit in front of the tv or put their music on. I almost question whether "marriage" and "glorifying God" can even go together anymore, when there aren't any young men who share my belief it following Christ's standards.

It's during times like this, that I apreciate my dad so much. Especially over the past few years, my dad has established a very strict code over the media that he allows himself and my brother's to watch. Movies with immodesty (tighter clothes, necklines that reveal anything, a manner of dress that in any way draws attention to the female body, whether it's "covered" or not) aren't tolerated or watch a second time - sometimes he walks out of the room. Neither is the Lord's name allowed to be used in vain. With these standards, we don't even have to deal with sexual content, inuendo, or lust rampages. My dad watches out for his family, especially my brothers. And I have come to admire and respect that immensely. And anyone less than that, I find myself questioning their seriousness about "purity" before Christ. My dad has changed the way I look at the young men around me, because he sees, like many do not, what living for Christ really means. I many not share every conviction, but I respect fully his desire to honor God with his eyes and ears, and it's that mindset that I see lackly entirely amongst Christians. Non-Christians, who can we blame? But Christians have no excuse.

I wont settle for less. I hope you're out there.

Naturally, what I'm to "do" now with my life has been on my mind alot lately. Having left behind two relationships when all I've ever wanted to do is get married, gets one to thinking. In light of those failed relationships and the lack of potential for anytyhing linked to marriage happening now, has caused me to start evaluating my life. What DO I do now? Marriage isn't happening. Do I just "hold out" for it, when I don't see God's path taking me that direction in the future that I see right now? What are my options? Ministry? Schooling? Working?

I WANT ministry, especially with young people, maybe even troubled youth - whether through drugs,alcholol, or just poor family lives. That's where my heart has been lately. I see that to truly be an asset in that kind of ministry, being trained/getting some kind of college degree would be hugely beneficial. Not just for the sake of having a degree, but for the help it would enably me to be in a ministry like that. In light of this...should I go to school? I've never really thought I'd go to school...but right now, it seems like a very possible option.

I need the Lord's wisom so much. I know He holds my life - my desires, my singleness, my immediate future, what I DO with my life - and I need His guidance more than anything. To totally change what I've been doing so far would take alot of courage...and money. But nothing is impossible with God. I just need to pray and find out if this impossible is something He desires to make possible.

The other evening, as I was spending time alone with God in my closet, the Lord took my mind on a journey of thought. And those thoughts have staid in my head, resurfacing again and again for more contemplation and consideration.

A person going into a career spends an extreme amount of time, money, and energy into becoming what they want to be. Someone planning on becoming a doctor puts mulitple years, numerous levels of education, unbelievable amounts of money, as well as all of their mental faculties into becoming that doctor. But if this doctor is a Christian, what is he primarily? Is he that doctor? OR...is he a Christian? If you listed numerically, greatest on top, of WHAT he is, in the eyes of God (the most important Eyes), WHAT is he? I believe "Christian" should be at the top of the list. If being a doctor is secondary to "Christian," in theory, shouldn't the time and effort he puts into his walk with Christ soundly rival even the efforts of becoming a doctor? Granted, I see that a person's career should be a means of glorifying Christ, and so I am not saying that a person shouldn't put that time and effort needed into becoming the BEST at what they do ("whatsoever you do, do ALL for the glory of Christ"), but I guess in theory...it just got me thinking.

I am, first and formost, a Christian. How much of that time and effort am I putting into being the woman of godliness and integrity that Christ has called me to be? How much of my mind have I given to meditating on and memorizing God's Word? How much time do I spend dailey ("I will give neither sleep to my eyes or slumber to my eyelids, until I have found a place for the Lord") alone, on my face, before the Lord, seeking out the very heart of God? How much of my anxieties and worries do I hand over to the Lord, giving Him the control? How often do I pause and thank the Lord? Are my "ambushes of praise" (2 Kings 20) mighty attacks, or puny fist-fights? Where on that list, in my life, does "Christian" rank?

Lord, "as you train my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze," (Ps. 18) train my heart to seek after You FIRST, before I seek after anything else.

It's amazing how things can change! I was just reading back over some of my blog posts, most of them written in the heat of a moment's pain. How I wrote it, is how I felt that moment. Maybe those thought didn't last longer than that moment during which I wrote it, or maybe that pain they protrayed was a constant in the days surrounding the writing. Alot of them where. But as I look back, I remember the pain of when I wrote those, sometimes written through my own agony of tears, and it makes me smile. Ironic, wierd, strange that it should make me smile now...but the truth behind the smile is, looking back on where I was, makes me so more clearly where I am NOW and where GOD has brought me! Each past post epitamized a feeling of deep loss and pain that was very real, no matter how fickle, silly, over-emotional, or unrational it may have seemed to an unbiased reader. The emotional swings, discovering hidden fears, remember past relationships that I though were long dead - each one of them served a HUGE purpose in bringing me to where I am now. It was a LONG road, a twisting road...but it WAS a road, and a road that God had placed under my feet for me to travel. And so, as I read back and see all the turmoil of emotions that have now ceased to be so constant and so "important," I rejoice that they happened (even the ones that were irrational and rediculous!) because they each played a part in God's workings in my heart, my life, my past, my present, and my future.

God IS good! And what's more - He's MY God.

Lord, please bring something new to replace the old. Please let something beautiful come into my life. I'm trapped in the ashes of what is now old, but I have nothing new to take it's place.

I've realized some important things the past few days, even in the midst of my continuing sorrow, pain, and apprehensions.

1) I have presumed on God's will. I've presumed on Him in that I assumed that what I wanted - and what I want is a God-honoring thing - is what He wanted too, and that He would do it. Yes, what I ask for is something that would honor Him, but it may not be His will. I don't know what His will is. I have presumed on God's will.

2) I have believed in word that God's plan is best. But I have not believed that in my heart. I have held onto my desires, refusing to see how what God is doing can really turn out as even more than I could have dreamed.

3) I have not surrendered everything. Because I wasn't believing that God's plan could be best, I was holding onto my ideals.

Lord, thank you for continually taking me steps towards being where You want me to be. Thank you for your patience and gentleness in opening my eyes and heart gradually.

My nose turns red when I cry.

So close to reaching that famous happy end,
Almost believing that this was not pretend,
Lets go on dreaming, for we know we are,
So close, and still so far.