Sand Dunes: USE CAUTION

(a dramatic retelling of a not-so-dramatic experience)

It was a glorious afternoon at the beach, that day my life changed forever. I had no premonitions of impending disaster, no chill up my spine, no icy fingers of dread whispering across my mind. But if I had known, surely I would have closed the window shades, hung a sign on my door that read “Closed until Further Notice,” and retreated back under the covers of my bed. But with no one able to foresee the disaster approaching, I instead leaped out of bed with a song on my lips, and prepared for a day of fun and frolics with friends and family.

A glorious day, indeed it was. The sun hid it’s most fierce rays behind a wall of beautiful gray clouds, and the ocean waves raised their voices in a grand symphony that only the great fathoms below can play.

It began with all of us young people taking at trek to the sand dunes bordering the parameter of our favorite beach. I don’t know who’s idea it was that was the catalyst to my demise. It really doesn’t matter. All I know is that before long, my friends and family were jumping off sand dunes.
Now, not all sand dunes are created equal. This particular sand dune was by far not the largest I’ve seen, but at it’s approximate 10 feet of height, it was still a formidable giant for us two-legged creatures to attempt to stretch our non-existent wings over.

It’s also important, as I set the stage, to realize that I can be something of a stick in the mud at times. Or maybe the more appropriate word would be simply “chicken.” And this chicken wasn’t feeling the faith that her two stubby wings would land her safely down below, despite the eagles around her exhibiting grandiose abilities in flying.

So I, the chicken, watched. It really DID looked like such fun. I was the only one NOT jumping, sticking out like an ostrich among pigeons. Not even the camera in my hand was big enough to hide behind. I was self-ostracized by my own fear.

“Alright! I’ll do it.” A voice spoke out. Who was it? Wait, no, surely that wasn’t MY voice. But alas, it was. Trying not to show the quaking in my legs and the thumping of my heart, I stepped up to the vast crater below me, pretending more courage that I really felt. Everything seemed to fade around me, the voices of encouragement, the laughter of those at the bottom…all drowned away and lost in the dramatic thump-thump of my heart, while the depths below only seemed to be magnified, it’s evil beckoning hand mocking my fears.

And then….I jumped.

Time stood still. Then the rushing, rushing, rushing of the air in my face, my stomach seemed to take wing, my hair levitated itself from my head. The adrenaline coursed through my veins, screaming at me as I defied gravity. There was no turning back.

And then….BAM! I was on the ground. But something was not right. In observing my friends, they had all consistently landed on their feet. But as I felt my body make impact with an unforgiving terra-firma, I was not standing, neither was I even kneeling.

I was sitting.

And the impact of tailbone and hard sand dune is not a pleasant experience, let me tell you. And in the moment of impact, THAT is when my life was changed forever. With the sound of the THUD from my unfortunate landing, it also was the sound of the door flying wide open for my battle with back pain. You don’t land like that and come away unscathed, believe me…

The moral of this story? Following the crowd can be detrimental to your health. And always remember…

Sand dunes are very, very dangerous.

Vignettes of Today

A little bit of the Hear & Now of my life, as well as a few extras:

What I'm Reading: "Storm Surge" by Rene Gutteridge (I'm a sucker for detective novels!)

What I'm Listening To: Jaime Jamgochian "Reason to Live" album (at least at this moment I am)

What I'm Watching: Lark Rise to Candleford, season 2

What I'm Studying: Photography, since I'm taking a photography class.

What I'm Eating: Asiaga Cheese Bagel and Sour Gummy Worms (what a breakfast...)

What I'm Drinking: water like a good girl.

What I'm Wearing: Why not a picture?

What I'm Wishing/Praying For: Lots of things, not the least of which is a new car. =)

A Random Fact: I bough my own car seat and keep it strapped in the back of my car (an old Buick "Holstein" (aka. a white car with patches of gray showing through the dreadfully peeling paint) so I can easily take my nieces around with me. Hopefully people don't get confused, haha!

A Life Goal: to see a Disney on Broadway.

Ok, that's all for today. Didn't have time for a full-fledged post this morning, so enjoy Vignettes of Today. =)

Music I Love: Kari Jobe

Kari Jobe

I knew the name Kari Jobe long before I truly discovered her music for myself. But once I did, she quickly has become a favorite in my playlist. Not just because her music is pretty or enjoyable (it is indeed both), but I love it most for her heart for the Lord. Few artists are able to capture true feeling and honest worship in their songs, but Kari Jobe has nailed it.

The style is accoustic, in a style I would call "light contemporary", with both fast and slower songs. I can't say enough about how "worshipful" her music is, that really is the predominant theme! She doesn't dwell on man's failures and needs (as many contemporary artists do) but it's all about JESUS, Who He is and What He does. It's true worship.

It's hard to pick which songs are my favorite, but I'd probably pick: I'm Singing, Joyfully, Beautiful, and Sweep Me Away.

Reminders: Fear

Note to self:

"When I am afraid I will trust in You.

In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust;

I shall not be afraid."

Psalms 56: 3 & 4

Now, I don't generally do the "flip open your bible and look at the first verse you see" tactic in hearing from God (I would discourage this practice as a very strong general rule)...but this morning I felt like I needed a special word from God. I just felt clueless as to what it was or where to find it. I flipped pages...and landed on Psalms 56, and read the above verse. "When I am afraid" LEAPT out of the page...and I knew that I was afraid.

My fear hasn't been a fear of what's on the outside - a fear of the dark, a fear of being kidnapped, a fear of driving off a bridge, etc. My fear is a different kind of fear altogether. I'm afraid of God never speaking to me; afraid of always being alone; afraid of never been seen as "worth-ful" again; afraid of the foolish fancies of my own heart (fancies can be so powerful); afraid of always being disappointed.

   

Instead of looking soley to the Lord and trusting in Him, I've been placing my eyes on my problems. In so doing, the problems only grew, while my grasp on God only weakened. I do not need to be afraid, or nervous, or unsettled - even if what I face IS "worthy" of all those feelings - but rather, calmly and quietly reminding myself of who I serve, who owns me, and that "this I know, that God is for me." (vs. 9)

   

The issues remains. But it's looking ALOT smaller now as I subdue my fears and remember that God is at my side and even this petty ordeal is being taken care of by Someone who is all for me.

Memorial Day Weekend - Civil War Reenactment

As maybe you've guessed, my family does Civil War Reenacting. This weekend was one of our biggest events and also one of our favorites reenactments so far! Several families from our church also reenact with us, and we are all part of the 43rd Virginia Cavalry, also known as Mosby's Rangers (an actual historical unit of soldiers). We camp out in the soldier's camp for the weekend, dressed up in period costume (or "replicas" as we reenactors prefer to call them). We have met many new friends, on both the Confederate and Union side. We reenact on the Southern side, but hold no malice or spite against our Yankee friends. =) Here's some snapshots of our weekend...



Rebel Canon. Notice the smoke ring...

Just arrived. Me and my two sisters, Katheryn and Karis.

Katheryn and Karis.

Friends.

Yours Truly.

Confederate lines.

Yankee troops.

My beautiful little sister Karis.

43rd Virginia! My dad is third from the left, my brother Seth second from the right. The guy on the far left and the guy right in the middle with the sword and fierce face our church friends.

My 11 year old brother, Stuart. He's a nature lover, note the itty-bity fuzzy caterpillar on his arm...

My brother Scott loves the Word of God. He's rarely without a bible either in hand or in pocket.

My gentleman bandit brother Seth. =) I made the frock coat he's wearing.

Sunday evening dance. A beautiful night...

Watching the dancers through the window.

Karis dancing, as seen through the window.

I laugh every time I see this picture. Don't let his face fool you - he really does love me. =)

My amazing parents.

Once again, me

Break-Ups: Breaking Up the Myths of Happily Ever After Always

Dealing With Break-Ups

If you’ve read my story, then you know that break-ups, and indeed, very tortuous break-ups have been a part of my life. In fact, not one, but two. I could easily have stopped with just one. Ok, bad joke...but truly, when I found myself for the second time holding onto the shattered pieces of my heart and watching the person I loved walk out of my life, I felt like I’d had all I could take.

The second break-up, which happened only about 6 months after the first one, was a situation I got myself into - by following after my own desires, not heading voices of counsel in my life, and pretty much refusing to really talk to God about it before jumping in. I was a girl on the rebound, and as most rebound-ees find, it only results in more heart-break. I can so quickly type down as to why I was not in a relationship that God wanted me in (the guy was a great guy, just not the great guy for me), but it’s took me a LONG time to come to realize those things. But at the time, my heart-break over losing someone I loved was compounding by losing two.

The night after my second sob-story, I felt so alone. I knew there were people like me, who had broken hearts instead of happily ever after; girls who’s knight in shining armor rode off into the sunset without them; women who felt so devastated when all their well-meaning ideals were suddenly proven false. But where were they? And now that we were alone in our grief - WHAT DO WE DO WITH A BROKEN HEART? That night, I began writing my heart, my questions, my griefs out onto the comforting screen of my prehistoric laptop, documenting in detail my journey towards healing - a healing that at the time, I honestly thought would never come to a heart as ripped up and soiled as mine.

Have you ever read any of those books written by happily married people telling about how they got together? They go through this wonderful story of love, maybe with a little bit of hardship and trial, but in the end they get married, honeymoon, and live on happily ever after.

Somewhere in the past decade or so, the “courtship” ideal has taken off and soared to great heights. Suddenly magazines and books began to hit the sales wracks at Christian book stores, filled with the sweet stories of two people’s love and how God brought them together. The stories usually go something like this:

Jill was a sweet young girl who truly loved the Lord and strove to follow Him with all of her heart. She was sold out to waiting for the right man that God had been custom making for her all of her life. Jill dreamed of getting married and raising a family to honor the Lord. But she knew that she wanted God to bring her husband to her. And that he would be worth waiting for.

Jack was a godly young man who also truly loved the Lord and strove to follow Him with all of his life. He knew he wanted to marry a women with the same ideals and visions as him. But as he looks at the eligible girls around him, he saw the tragic work the Enemy had done and saw absolutely no women who fit the standards of the Proverbs 31 women.

In the stories, the course of a few years goes by in just the space of a sentence or brief paragraph. Then suddenly one day, Jack and Jill meet. They are immediately attracted to the Lord in each other, and over time begin to develop a friendship. After they become best friends, Jack begins to seriously pray about whether God would have him pursue Jill. After some prayers which also only take up about a sentences worth of time, Jack asks Jill he can begin courting/dating her (whichever way you prefer to say it) and Jill is overwhelmed and humbled that God would bring such a godly young man into her life. They’re courtship lasts for a few months, where they experience such a sweet godly intimacy and bond. They get engaged, and walah! They get married. And they both say at the end “Oh it was worth the wait!”

This is a happy story. It makes my heart sing and my face smile. It makes me get excited about one day getting to have a similar story. I get all hyped up about the story God is planning for me and the waiting seems like a small sacrifice to pay for such a “happily ever after” story.

But wait. And just think about it. How many people can really say they’ve had a story like that? I KNOW there are people out there who can share of a story like this. But maybe not as many as we think. That isn’t my story.

All my life, I believed that the first man I ever was in a relationship with would be my husband. The first man who ever said “I love you” would say it to me for the rest of my life. In all the books and articles I had read about relationships (and I was an avid studier of the topic!), this was how it was always supposed to be, if you were a God-fearing follower of God, and ESPECIALLY if you embraced the “courtship” path - I do not say this to mock, not at all). And according to all the “steps” to a good relationship, my relationship should have turned out that way. But it didn’t. And when I was left grasping the pieces of a broken heart, I didn’t know where in the world to turn, who to talk to, where to go for help.

Whoa. You don’t see stories like THAT in the books and magazines! But in reality, stories like that are a lot more numerous than the happy ones. It seems like for every marriage, there are half a dozen broken hearts. Broken hearts within godly, Christ-centered people. I know so many of them. Where does that fit into the pages of the books written on waiting for love story God has prepared for you? We never hear of those stories. We only read the stories written by people who are happily married and SAFE from the drama and trauma of pre-marriage. Those stories are encouraging, but they only go so far. What about me? What about all of us who have been through break-ups?

If you’ve ever experienced a “failed” relationship, we’re in this together. Break ups happen. Gasp! Did I just say “break up?” In a lot of Christians circles where the happy courtship stories are so emphasized, break-ups are never mentioned and are somehow assumed to be a sign of some sin or “wrongness” hidden inside the person who experienced a break up.

There’s this ideal out there that says “wait for God, and He’ll bring you the right person on the first try.” Don’t get me wrong! God does bring people together right from the start and they have a God story to share with the rest of the world. And I LOVE stories like this! But in reality, it doesn’t always happen that way. I know a lot of people who have had false starts. I know a lot of people who have had to break up with the person they loved the most or have that person break up with them. I know of people, like myself, where God seemed to give an emphatic YES to the relationship, but then later on down the road, there was a NO to the relationship. Sometimes the break up is nasty and ugly and over something that was legitimate grounds for breaking up. But sometimes things just happen. Face it. Break-ups are a part of life. Break-ups happen.

I can’t pretend to understand all of this. I just know that there are a lot of “sadly ever afters” out there, with a lot of hurting hearts trailing behind. I’m not proud of falling into this category, I would do anything to not have breaks behind me. It’s hard for me knowing that I will never be able to have that fairy-tale first-romance marriage. But just because break-ups don’t mesh with the ideals of found in our “conservative” Christian circles, that doesn’t mean that we are failures or that we’ve disobeyed God, or that we are less of a person because we didn’t have that God-story we’ve always wanted and everyone talks about.

The fact is, there are love stories that end sour. And they hurt. They gouge out wounds in our hearts and minds that are so severe sometimes time doesn’t even heal them. Nobody wants to hear the break up stories, but frankly, they happen, they hurt, and they need healing. And when the only sympathy we find in our Christian literature is books and articles on “How My Love Story Was Perfect”, to those of us who have NOT had that story, it’s salt on a deep wound and sometimes a sense of shame on an already weary and broken heart.

Breakups are not ideal. But they happen to a lot of people. A lot more people than you think, because nobody wants to tell about the relationship that got away. Help and healing needs to be out there for the needy and hurting, and the happily ever after stories don’t cut it. They didn’t for me when I need help so badly.

I don’t have all the answers. But I know that us breakup-ees have a place in God’s eyes and that even tho our break ups don’t fit into the dream we’ve had all our lives, somehow it fits into God’s plan. There is something God has for us in this, and we need to find it.

Something that God has given me in the aftermath of break-ups and now as I've experienced healing (although I will always vividly remember the pain), is that I have such a passion and burden for girls and women who have gone through break-ups. All you have to say is "break-up" and my heart instantly goes out to you like a rocket at first launch. There's an instant bond and "connect" that I feel. I want to make a stab at taking what I’ve learned and reaching out to those girls and women who have endured break-ups and are now left holding the shattered pieces of their broken hearts. I’m not someone who is happily married or who has never experienced a break-up - I am still single and I have been through two break-ups. I speak as someone who really knows.

Maybe these posts are a rough-draft of a book someday, maybe it's me organizing my thoughts so I can have them ready to share at the right moments to the right person, maybe you reading this knows this pain right now or you know someone who does. Either way, my passion is to reach out to "those who are of a broken heart."

In the tidal-waves of the emotions and trauma, it’s hard to think straight. It’s almost impossible to know where to go next.  I want you to know that it’s okay. I want you to know that you’re not feeling this alone. In following posts over the next few weeks, I want to share just the simple things that I’ve learned and am learning in retrospect. I hope that somehow God will use it to encourage you and help you through. Even tho you don’t feel right now that healing is possible, we have a God. We have our Jehovah Rapha, the God of Healing. And He’s all ours.

Of Fields & Finger Nails

I have a post that's been on my heart for weeks (years, truth be told) that I want to post...but working a job has just not allowed me the time to sit and put it up. So, in the meantime, here's a bit on what I'm studying.

Proverbs 31 talks about the woman who furthered her home and resources by buying a field - well, needless to say, for me to buy a field would be impractical and pointless! And so instead of a field, I am studying nail technology. Field, nails, see the similarity? Ok, no, not really.

Anyways, growing up I was a terrible nail-biter, and I would look longingly at women (especially my oldest sister, who has gorgeous hands and nails!) with long nails and see in them the height of femininity. In recent years, I have kicked the habit (hallelujah!) and in the aftermath, having nice nails has become a fetish of mine. There's nothing like knowing you've got some "style on hand" (pun intended) to make you feel confident, beautiful, and just pure lady-like. At least, that's what nice nails do for me. =)

So, I've been teaching myself the art of nail technology (yes, that's what it's REALLY called!). That also includes the study of the hands (muscles, joints, bones, nerves, etc), the make-up of the skin, the nutrients needed to maintain healthy nails, different kinds of abnormalities or mis-grown nails and what to do about that, how to give a proper and beneficial massage to the hands or feet...as WELL as the obvious: how to give top-class manicures and pedicures. Maybe that's not your cup of tea or slice of pizza, but I am finding it vastly interesting and being something of a "dreamer/schemer/visionary," I have all kinds of ideas to further my resources using this developing skill. Just another egg in the basket, so to speak. Plus, it's just really, really fun.

Anyone interested in plowing a similar field, I highly recommend this book:

This book has LOTS of pictures - and surprisingly, almost NO pictures of anything other than feet and hands. I'm pretty comfortable reading the vast majority of this book even with my three brothers around. I found this book at my local library, so chances are, your library might have a copy, too. Check it out - who knows? Maybe you'll be inspired, too.

"She considers a field and buys it;

with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard."

(Proverbs 31:16)

Go To the Aunt

Introducing, three of the greatest joys in my life!

B (1 1/2 years), G (9 months), and M (2 years)

Auntie-hood is such a precious thing! Both my brother Steven and sister Kristine live only about 10 minutes away, and so I get to spend copious amounts of time with my little Jewels. In fact, Steven and his wife Caitlin lived with us for two years, and both Mercy and Gwynn were born via home-birth right in our home. Being an almost daily part of their first years (they've now moved into their own home but still very close) and seeing Kristine's Bethany and now recent-addition David (seven weeks old) almost as frequenty, has allowed me to develope precious relationships with all of them.

I thank God so often for allowing me the priviledge of loving on these little ones, watching them grown, and lending a hand in bringing up another generation to love and serve the Lord.

I was born to be an aunt!

Music I Love: Nathan Clark George

Nathan Clark George

I recently came across this artist, and frankly, I have really been blessed and encouraged through the listening. He came to our church last year to lead worship at the annual family camp, and whereas I didn't actually attend the event, I heard his praises sung throughout the congregation, and we now sing several of his songs during the musical worship portion of the service. We got a copy of two of his Cd's last week, and it's been played repeatedly since then.

Here's what his website has to say:

"Award winning singer/songwriter Nathan Clark George has been touring with his music for over a decade, including 4 years full-time in an RV with his family, encouraging a multi-generational vision for the family and the Kingdom of Peace. His discography delivers compelling musical presentations of Scripture along with transparent snapshots of life."

A vast portion of his music is set to Scripture, or at the very least, Scripture is thoroughly woven throughout the songs.

“I treat that process with great fear and reverence,” he says. “The lyrics are written by God, after all. The challenge is to make it flow in a natural way. A lot of work goes into the phrasing aspect.”

His style is very acoustic (guitar, mandolin, piano, violin, cello, etc) and while not being without good rhythm and some mild percussion, maintains a very calming, relaxing feel. Being in a pretty musical family myself, I can appreciate the intricate detailing of the instruments, and it lends another aspect of "awe" into the praise I feel for the Lord in my heart, because I know it's truly a beautiful melody to the Lord!

Nathan Clark George, his wife, and five children have been living in an RV for the past four years, touring with their musical concert. They are family-oriented and as already said in their bio, are "multi-generation" - keeping their own family, as well as encouraging others, to value the institution of family and not split the family (especially in church) into different age groups.

Overall, I'm really blessed by Nathan Clark George's music and testimony. I have a broad appreciation for music, and therefore appreciate the calming, acoustic feel of his music. Very relaxing and worshipful! And makes you think, too. Of the two Cd's we listened to (Rise in the Darkness & Words for Everyday), Rise in the Darkness is by far my favorite of the two.

I love what he has to say in the closing of his website's bio:

“I’m just a musician who is willing to go anywhere and sing for anybody. I really don’t follow the Christian music scene so I don’t know where, or if, I fit in. I just try to be cognizant of where God wants me and try to stay within that framework. Even if it means another year in the RV.”

Sounds like here's a musician who's really all about bringing glory to God. And definitely now high-ranking on my list of favorites.

You can hear several of his songs on his website. You can find his website here. To go directly to his music samples, click here. My favorites are: I Will Rejoice, The Lamb Now Lives, Not What My Hands Have Done, & What If I Were In the Garden. They could be your new favorites, too.

What YOU Believe In

I believe in God.

But do I REALLY believe in God? To believe in God means to believe in every part of Him: His blessings and reward. His wrath and His judgment. It is impossible to really believe in God without accepting that He is without compromise exactly who He says He is.

The depth of our belief in God can be told simply by looking at how closely we really live by His commands.

If we really believe in God, we must really believe that He hates sin, the condoning of sin, and the tolerance of sin. Doing it, watching it, or listening to it shows we are not believing that God really hates it. We are in essence believing that there will be no consequences .

When God says He hates something, for us to do it or condone it says that WE believe it’s ok. Therefore, our belief in God at that moment is, really, non-existent.

Our sin shows a lack of belief. Our sin says we don’t believe that what God says is sin - is really sin.

“If we say we have not sinned, we make Him a liar

and His word is not in us.”

(1 John 1:10)

Believers in Christ must take sin seriously. If we don’t, then we are not really believing in God as we say we do. God wants holiness, righteousness, and purity in our lives. By living in or condoning sin, we are not believing that God is the hater of all wickedness, and we are not believing that He will punish sin. We are making out God to be a liar.

If we really believed in God, we would know the horror of sin and we would eradicate it from our lives at all cost.

Please understand that I am not saying that when we sin we are not Christians. I do not believe that genuine Christian can lose their salvation (touchy topic, I know), and neither do I believe that Christians do not sin. What I am saying is our sin reflects how deep-seeded our belief in God really is.

And living with compromise shows that we don’t take God’s word to us seriously. Condoning anything that God hates shows that we don’t really believe in Him as firmly as we think we do. If we really believe with all our hearts in the existence and Lordship of God, we will see the travesty of sin and do everything we can to stay as far away as we can.

Movies, music, and our choices of entertainment are a dead-give-away as to the level of our belief. The clothes we wear, speaking to women, show where our belief-systems are - God's standards of holiness, purity, and modesty or our own belief in gaining attention? The way we treat people, our attitudes, the things we think about in the privacy of our own imagination - all road-signs to where we place our belief.

Lets ask ourselves: do we really believe in God? And do our lifestyles and mindsets clearly reflect that?

"As obedience children, to not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written

'You shall be holy, for I am holy.' "

(1 Peter 1:15-16)