I feel better today. But I know that my state of "happiness," is not because I've come to grips with my questions about God and am resting in trust again, but because I've put it into a box out of the way, and I've reverted back to my state of "pretending" that everything is fine with me and God. I still do not have that boundless wellspring of trust and praise for Him - that intimacy that I crave and know frome experience is available. The wellspring that is my life's flow.
I'm starving without is, slowly day by day. But I had a talk with my mom (my role model and best friend), and something that I walked away with was....how focused I am on ME. I'm obsessed with ME. I'm upset because God's not coming through for ME. Things are working out for ME. Me, me, me. And when I'm focused on me, there's not room left for God. I'm having an affair with myself. Maybe this is my answer? Whether yes or no, I still can't find the right step to take.