Friday, April 15, 2011

Claiming a Victory

Tonight I am claiming a promise from God. I have been unable to claim promises from the Word for some time, because in the past I have over-used that ability and I "claimed" things that God did not promise, only what I IMAGINED God was saying. That led to a whole mess of trouble in my spiritual life, one of the results being I have found myself to find anything to "claim" because I've been so afraid that it would prove to be false, and I would be "let down by God". But I have felt a deep, pulling guidance from the Lord the past few days, a special call from Him, calling me deeper into the vast depths of His person, into the very heart of Christ. Tonight I broke down - weeping, hurting, longing - in answer to His call. I cried out to God for help. And He answered me from His holy temple. This is what He gave me, and that which I claim:

"Just as I have brought all this great disaster upon this people, so I will bring upon them all the good that I promised them...Thus says the Lord: In this place of which you say 'it is a waste without man or beast,' in the cities of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem that are desolate...there shall be heard again the voice of mirth and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the voices of those who sing, as they bring thank offerings to the house of the Lord: Give thanks to the Lord of hosts, for the Lord is good, for His steadfast love endures forever! For I will restore the fortunes of the last as at first, says the Lord." (Jeremiah 32:42, 33:10-11)

My relationship with God once was deep, intimate, overwhelming. I have looked back jealously on my own past, before trial set in, and longed for that time back. But I have not been able to get there, whether by the Enemy's schemes or my own resistance. Either way, it's elluded me. As I wept tonight because I felt the Lord calling me back, but I felt like I didn't know how to get there, I read this passage. And He says "I will restore the fortunes of the Land as at first." Jesus is going to restore me. He's going to restore me back to that lifting fellowship with Him. HE'S going to do it. He's promised to restore me. The voice of mirth will resound in this land - in ME! - this land that has been desolate for so long. The voice fo the bridegroom will trumpet loudly through my heart, and the fellowship of sweet tears will be mine again. I long for it. I thirst for it. I feel my resistance breaking, even as I claim this promise. I feel it's a step away from the bondage of my own sins.

Thus says the Lord. And there is power in the name of the Lord. I love you, Jesus.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Don't Stop Believing

Today, the Lord showed me a beautiful thing. I've always looked back over those months of trial and have felt that I failed. I knew God allowed it all to test my faith, and I've felt that I failed. I railed at God, I ignored God, I complained, fought, and "pretended" with God. I pretty much felt like I'd given up on God. And it's been to my utter shame that instead of being as Job - "though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" - I gave up on God.

Or so I thought.

This morning, as I was brushing my teeth over the bathroom sink, like a bombshell, I realized something. I was wrong - I never stopped believing in God. Even as I argued, the fact of my argument showed I believed there was Someone to argue with. So many times I wanted to kill myself, but I never did, because deep down I KNEW there was a God and that suicide was NOT His way. I may not have shown like gold in the fire, but I DID pass the test. I never stopped believing in God, no matter how many other ways I failed. I think my whole soul smiled when God showed me that. I've walked under condemnation of my failure and rejection against God, and I see now that Satan blew it up out of proportion and used it against me. Yeah, I was a pretty pathetic example of a martyre, but I still believed!! Deep down, I never gave up.

I DID pass the test! You'd have to be me to understand the joy I feel right now! =)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A New Dress for an Old Friend

I need to revamp this blog. During the time of my loss and refining that took place over the last two years, this blog was my out-let, the "friend" on whom to throw the overflow of my crumbling emotional, mental, and spiritual state of mind. I could write my thoughts, no matter how painful, how irrational, how petty, how immature, or how silly they may look now. This was "the shadows of my bleeding heart," (update: previous sub-title of this blog) for indeed, my heart bled fiercely. But now, the wound is healed, altho I pray the scar remains, to remind me of what God brought me through. But I am no longer symoblically waiting for the evening sun-rise, because it has now already dawned brighter and more clearly than I ever imagined. It is indeed beautiful. And now, I'm on another journey, another stage of life. The evening sun-rise is behind me, shining a light on ahead...Maybe I'm waxing on too peotical - writing IS my outlet - but when a heart feels deeply, whether pain or joy, it speaks in the language of poetry. And so waxeth I on. =)

My mom, who is my greatest mentor and role model, wrote this for me during one of those dark days when I felt God has ceased to listen to me. I have kept this little sticky note and to this day it still serves as a daily reminder, a reminder that I constantly need.