Thursday, September 16, 2010

I feel better today. But I know that my state of "happiness," is not because I've come to grips with my questions about God and am resting in trust again, but because I've put it into a box out of the way, and I've reverted back to my state of "pretending" that everything is fine with me and God. I still do not have that boundless wellspring of trust and praise for Him - that intimacy that I crave and know frome experience is available. The wellspring that is my life's flow.

I'm starving without is, slowly day by day. But I had a talk with my mom (my role model and best friend), and something that I walked away with focused I am on ME. I'm obsessed with ME. I'm upset because God's not coming through for ME. Things are working out for ME. Me, me, me. And when I'm focused on me, there's not room left for God. I'm having an affair with myself. Maybe this is my answer? Whether yes or no, I still can't find the right step to take.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Insecure. That's how I feel. Not "insecure" as in who I am as person, not an identity crisis, but rather, insecure in my relationship with God. And I know it's my own fault.

Growing up, especially in my later teen years and early-early 20's, I felt so secure in my faith. Nothing could shake me, I firmly believed without question in the miracles of the past, present, and future - expecting any moment for God to blow the top off of a story that would boggle the minds of all men. God was real, true, powerful, supernatural, my BEST friend, my true sourse of life, He was my everything. But 18 months ago, that began to change. And now I find mysel still KNOWING that God is real, true, powerful, supernatural, my best friend, my true sourse of life...but I feel SO insecure. I can't even say my faith is small, because I fear I have no faith at all. I know that I am responsible for my sins and failures, and I can't blame circumstances for where I am...but looking at my circumstances does help to understand why I believe the lies I believe and why I lack faith.

During the past 18 months, I have had circumstances that have forced me to seek after God like I never have before. I was lost, I was dissilusioned, I was confused - and it was those feelings that forced me to Him. There were many times during those months that I felt like I had a word from God. And that word was to PRAY for < insert specific prayer for what seemed humanly impossible >. And in each time, I set myself to pray. I prayed until I almost felt sweat drops of blood. I cried out. I fasted. I interceded. I had HUGE faith. But the truth of the matter is...none of the prayers have ever been answered. Not a one. And over time, my faith eroded. In the most basic form of putting it...I feel like God let me down. I honestly felt like I heard a specific direction from God to pray for what seemed impossible...but He never did anything, no matter how hard and long I prayed and saught His face. As time went on and I began realizing that my heart was moving away from the things I thought were important, the answer to those prayers became less vital to me. Pretty soon, that answer wasn't really relevant to my life anymore. And moving on was ok. I was ready. But what stands firm in my that God didn't answer me. He seemed to speak. I gave my all in prayer. And He never did anything. I'm left with two messages from that:

1) I can't hear from God. What I hear always prove wrong.
2) God isn't powerful enough. And God won't answer MY prayers anymore.

I know those thing are wrong. But I have no tangible evidence in my recent life to prove it. I know that faith is believing in what is NOT seen...but I feel like God has just left me out in the dark. I feel like I need to SEE something happen. I am ashamed of my faithlessness...driven by the sea and tossed, as it says in James. But I need to experience for myself that God hears me when I pray and that He answers me. Else my life is worth nothing, because I cannot live without Him in my life. I need to know He's really there.

If I were to read this exact post on someone else's blog, I would know exactly what advice to give, verses to quote, and encouragement to give to boost their faith and to remind them of the power of our God. I KNOW the answers in my head, I can rattle them off to someone like me...but in my secret of hearts, I am so insecure.