Today, the Lord showed me a beautiful thing. I've always looked back over those months of trial and have felt that I failed. I knew God allowed it all to test my faith, and I've felt that I failed. I railed at God, I ignored God, I complained, fought, and "pretended" with God. I pretty much felt like I'd given up on God. And it's been to my utter shame that instead of being as Job - "though He slay me, yet will I trust Him" - I gave up on God.
Or so I thought.
This morning, as I was brushing my teeth over the bathroom sink, like a bombshell, I realized something. I was wrong - I never stopped believing in God. Even as I argued, the fact of my argument showed I believed there was Someone to argue with. So many times I wanted to kill myself, but I never did, because deep down I KNEW there was a God and that suicide was NOT His way. I may not have shown like gold in the fire, but I DID pass the test. I never stopped believing in God, no matter how many other ways I failed. I think my whole soul smiled when God showed me that. I've walked under condemnation of my failure and rejection against God, and I see now that Satan blew it up out of proportion and used it against me. Yeah, I was a pretty pathetic example of a martyre, but I still believed!! Deep down, I never gave up.
I DID pass the test! You'd have to be me to understand the joy I feel right now! =)