There must be love coming on with this summer heat. Because
in the space of about 25 seconds online, I found out that four people I know now have significant others. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Just like that. Summer lovin’.
And I felt it. Surprisingly not the pain of being
twenty-six and still single. But rather…the embarrassment
that I’m twenty-six and still single. Because with four new people in
relationships, that’s four more people who might look at me and subconsciously
pity me for still being single in the
face of their new happiness. And I don’t want to be pitied. But I know how it
works – when someone finds their happily ever after, they start seeing their
single friends through sad eyes, because out of the goodness of their hearts,
they want us singles to find that same happiness. And there's sometimes mixed in with that that subconscious feeling of pity. Because the true story is (even if
it’s wrong), singles often get viewed as incomplete. Incomplete and lacking that important ingredient that was needed to gain a spouse.
I don't want to feel like a less-than. But as a rapidly-getting-older-single, I sometimes just do.
So it would be a lie for me to say that, when I learned of
the four new budding romances, that I didn’t feel a little last-one-there's-a-rotten-egg-ish. It’s a convoluted mess, to be
happy for someone and at the same time feel slighted by it. To love being
single (really, I do!) and terrified of someone actually showing interest…and also wanting that
very thing to happen. I must be mental. Point me towards St. Mungo's.
But that’s not my point. My point is that it’s easy to be
embarrassed and feel shame over the fact that your still single. To feel like
God’s putting you up on a stage in front of a jeering crowd when you have
nothing prepared. As hard as it is for me to set aside any self-preserving "tough girl" image I might cultivate in order to preserve my singleness dignity, I'll go ahead and admit it: it can be just plain old embarrassing being single when just about everyone else has someone’s
love and adoration validating the space they take up.
Well, the good news and the bad news is that there's really only one remedy for this.
And so, I put my head in my hands, elbows resting on my desk,
rubbing at the spot between my eyes where my daily headaches have been coming,
hoping nobody would walk by my office while I dealt with the silly, yet
still-real emotions in my head. And heart. And prayed that open prayer I often pray:
“Lord, I know you have plans for me. I know what you’re
doing in my life is good. I know that you’re not trying to embarrass me here.
You’re plan is NOT to shame me in front of my friends and family. So, help me
be okay with being one of the lasts. You’re bigger than what I can see
and you’re not making a fool out of me. So, thanks being my God and my Champion.”
You know what I hate most? That look people get when they ask about my special someone and I have to say that I don't have a boyfriend, I HATE the look they give me.....then they ask how old I am and the look gets even "better"! =P
ReplyDelete*deep breathe* But, it's okay, I can deal, it would just be nice to not have to deal with the look, you know? =)
Haha, so true! Although for me it's usually the awkward silence or that sympathetic "hmmmm" "well, it'll happen!" :D
DeleteBut that's okay, I know stuff like that and even the stuff written about above mostly comes from genuinely well-meaning people. So despite how it makes ME feel, I have to try and remember it's not meant to be hurtful but rather, encouraging. :)
Well for what it's worth, I know where you are coming from Kellie - I haven't experienced it a lot in my life but a couple times people have asked if I have someone special. It's always the same answer: no. Where so many girls around me have married insanely young (and of course, you know my thoughts on this and the danger signs I see), I always say it's a good thing to take this season of "single-ness" to grow, to learn, to prepare for someday being in a marriage/dating (relationship). It's hard work and the sooner we realize it isn't like the movies, the better off we'll be. :)
ReplyDeleteIn full agreement with you, Rissi! Although you also know my thoughts on how it being completely normal and natural and okay to want marriage, too. I never condone just sitting around being miserable because you're still single, which is why I hope that, through sharing my own struggles and feelings while being single, other people will be encouraged and motivated to acknowledge that their desires are okay, but seize the day and go the Lord with those desires. Because He can most definitely fulfill them. Which was the point of this post that I hope was conveyed through the prayer at the end - that God has a plan, a purpose and a blessed NOW for us, so we need to take each of our desires to the Lord and let Him take it from there. :)
DeleteYou are blessed, Rissi. You are one of those girls who is more of a "black and white" person when it comes to relationships and marriage. Some girls just don't have as weighty a desire for it as, say, girls like me. So, count your blessings, eh? ;)
Ugh, my heart was right there with you, Kellie as I read your post. Having been there and done that for 29 years. 29 YEEEEEAAAARSSS! It can feel weird, awkward, embarrassing. Countless times I had to stop and talk to God. Pray for the feelings to pass. Feel a bit more miserable, shed a few tears and then climb out of my hole to continue on until the next pothole. Being surrounded by friends and younger-than-you people who are getting married and having their first, second, third... seventh kids while I was still single was so hard.
ReplyDeleteSo I did meet Mr. Right and I am living the married life now BUT I am so-so thankful for those days of singleness. For those days of feeling awkward, like I didn't fit in. Like I was one step away from being a confirmed spinster (I was looking for a good rocking chair to do my knitting in ;)) I grew in those times. Like most painful, awkward, trying and confused times God uses them for His glory and strengthens us, in the long term, through them. Now there are still potholes in my path, they're just a different shape and I remember the old ones and hope and trust I'll get through these ones as well.
I know. I get it. It sure ain't easy. And I'm praying for you, sweet friend, and I admire your honesty as you confront these issues and emotions.
Dani, you have NO idea how much this warms my heart!! Because I know that you've been in this place before! And so coming from that, this is just SO encouraging! Like really, it is.
Delete"Now there are still potholes in my path, they're just a different shape and I remember the old ones and hope and trust I'll get through these ones as well." This really stood out to me, Dani! It's something that I really want to remember, because you're so right - even if I were to get married, there would be things happening in married life that would cause anxieties and "less-thans." I tend to think in the fairy-tale train of thought, "oh, but they'll be at least a little easier, because I'll have someone to at least navigate them with." But in reality, sure, yah - I'd have someone, but having someone does cure that stuff. You'd probably agree that whereas, yes, it's pretty darn amazing...it can also lend it's own challenges and some challenges just AREN'T made easier just because you have a boyfriend/husband.
I also appreciate this: "Feel a bit more miserable, shed a few tears and then climb out of my hole to continue on until the next pothole." Because that's often exactly how it is. We gotta cry our cries, curl up in our little balls for a bit, be sad...but then yes, we have to get up and keep going.
Frankly, this is one of the most encouraging comments I've ever had, Dani. Thanks. Hugs to you! :)
To love being single (really, I do!) and terrified of someone actually showing interest…and also wanting that very thing to happen. I must be mental.
ReplyDeleteI love that sentence! Why? Because you are so not mental. Or if you are, then so am I. That quandary between wanting it and yet being terrified of it? Oh my goodness! You totally spoke (wrote?) my feelings exactly! They are completely opposite feelings, yet there they sit. Both inside me at the same time. How does this make sense? It's gonna take someone smarter than me to figure it out. Meanwhile, I'll sit here and let them duke it out by themselves while I read another book. Or watch the rest of Call the Midwife. No, I haven't seen it all yet. THAT'S what's mental! ;)
Haha, I'm glad that we're both suffering from the same mental issues, though! I'm sure we'd make delightful roomies in a mental ward. :D And as much as I DON'T like that you feel this way (because it's not a pleasant feeling), I am selfishly glad, because it means I'm not the only one. :)
DeleteI am just like your,26 and still single :( but so are a lot of my friends so I feel less on stage but it does still make me feel empty at times. but I know He has a great guy that will come around when he is meant to.
ReplyDeletehappy Saturday!
Victoria, how nice that you still have lots of single friends! What a blessing and what an encouragement that is. :) Me? Yah, they're basically all married/seriously dating. But I'm continuing to hold on to the TRUTH that God's bigger than my singleness and His will for my life in in full action right now, whether it contains marriage or not. :)
DeleteThe Lord does have BIG plans for your life. He's already using you for His glory in so many ways! I love reading these posts where you're so open and honest with what's going on in your heart instead of trying to cover it up. You're such a wonderful, kind, loving, and Godly woman, and I know anyone would be lucky to have you, but God is saving someone just as special as you are :) Praying for your sweet heart, girl!
ReplyDeleteThank you,Julie! It really encourages me to hear that other's appreciate these posts. Sometimes I feel like I'm showing all my shameful secrets to the world, but I WANT others to know that 1) if they feel this way, they're not alone and 2) to take it all to Jesus. So keep writing them.
DeleteAnd whether I have marriage in my future or not, I know that God's always in my future. And that's really the whole point of me even being alive. :)
I know those feelings girl--so thank you once again for shedding light and for being bold and brave enough to share them (and for writing out everything that I'm either feeling, have felt, or will feel again in the future!). Even though most of my close friends/peers are single, every time I see another friend enter in a relationship or take their relationship to the next level, I'm tempted and will often feel that pang of singleness. It's tough to be happy for others when we don't share or have their joy in common, isn't it? But, there's always hope to cling onto--just as you said. God wins, not our relationship status. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, Kiki! God always wins, which makes the "fight" so worth it!
DeleteI absolutely know the feeling...I'll often go from being blissfully single to feeling like a "less-than", sometimes even in the same day. It can be embarrassing being single when it seems like everyone around me has someone, which is a feeling I'm just starting to realize. :P and girl, you're not crazy at all. I have definitely had that feeling of being terrified of someone taking interest in me (eeee, just this weekend), while still wanting it to happen.
ReplyDeleteThat's a wonderful prayer...one that I should bring myself to pray more often. It's important to have the right perspective, and just put everything in God's hands. He's got great plans for us.(:
~Vicki
Decked Out in Ruffles
Thank you, Vicki, for helping me not feel like the only one who questions their sanity at times! :)
DeleteI've been re-learning to take my emotions and feelings to the Lord, even the ones that are trivial and even "un-biblical." Because God wants to hear from us, He wants us to bring our every thought and emotion to Him. And it's by bringing our feelings (like my feelings of being a less-than), that we find our validation and worth in Christ. :)
I just love how you worded this post... And that prayer... if you don't mind, I gotta write that down and pray it myself. I definitely can relate to a lot of what you said. Even though I feel much too young (19), I already feel so pressured by people around me to get-a-boyfriend-already-why-don't-you-have-one-yet, specially from family and some of my best friends who are in a relationship and would like me to have one too (maybe so they could share things with me that I just can't relate now for being single and never having had a boyfriend). But as you said it, it's true (a beautiful truth) that God knows what He does (as cliche as it is to say this) and He never desires to embarrass us or to put us through a tough time for no reason. I have seen the goodness of waiting for His timing and trusting His heart for me so many times, and I just can't see myself not trusting Him the same way with my "love life" (as hard as it is sometimes) He is such a loving and good God (:
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog now, and I'm loving it already! Definitely will be coming back. ;)
I hope you have a lovely week, dear. xoxo
- Gabi
(http://the-happy-nomad.blogspot.com/)
Gabrielle, there's no such thing a copyrighted prayer, so pray away! I'm blessed that it touched you.
DeleteAnd I love how you've compared the past faithfulness of God to believing in His faithfulness when it comes to a spouse. Which is something that I need to be constantly reminded of! I'm too much like the children of Israel - so prone of forget the miracles that God has performed even so recently and only focus on what I see Him NOT doing.
Girl, this was such a blessing. <3 And just what I needed, as usual. Totally get the panic-and-yet-want-it-so-bad. Prayer times that consist of lots of "whys". And sometimes even angry tirades, like a conversation with God that consisted of "all I've ever done is try to do the right thing...why do some people get everything they want and I have to face the idea of settling for less than I want?" Yesterday was all about "if God's as powerful as we say he is why can't He bring a guy that's likeminded, what I need, AND a Hollywood hunk?" Sometimes I amaze myself with my spirituality. :P So yeah...this was needed and much appreciated. <3
ReplyDeleteOh yeesh...Alexandra - so right there with you, especially with that "angry tirade" prayer. That's one of the big bitterness issues I've struggled with pretty severally in the past few years - I give and give and give myself for the Lord, doing it all right, but it's everybody else who gets what I want. God and I have definitely come head-to-head on that one on more than one or five occasions. So, yah, been there, know what that's like very personally.
DeleteAh yes, I agree, Hollywood hunk sure would be nice. And Lord, please if you can let him be a fire-fighter, too? ;)
Thanks for your comment, girl! It made me smile, but also encourages me that you're in the same place as me, too!
gorgeous blog, and lovely words. that is a beautiful prayer.
ReplyDeletethanks so much for your sweet comment on my blog :)
xoxo
kailey
Thanks for stopping by, Kailey! That means a ton. :)
DeleteAnd thanks. It's a prayer that I need a lot!
It's like you stepped right into my heart, i can totally relate to the feeling when you hear about yet another friend getting engaged or someone else's boyfriend, while i am happy for them. Sometimes it get's old, i have to remind myself that God's plans are better than my own and that he is all I need. Thanks for reminding me of that through this post!
ReplyDeleteMy best friend and i have a blog/ministry together called the Quiet Place, For the month of June we are focusing on singleness--We would love to have to you guest post! email us at--tqprest@gmail.com You can also check out our sponsor page here too--http://weneedgethsemani.blogspot.com/p/blog-page.html, and the blog here--http://weneedgethsemani.blogspot.com/
I'm so glad that you could relate with me on these feelings, Britney! There seems to be a growing number of us older singles out there who find ourselves wrestling with these kinds of issues and feelings! But God knows and He's truly our help, hope and future. :)
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