Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Tuesday | Laying It All Out There: Four and a Half Years Later


I frequently share with people my "break up" story. It happened a full four and a half years ago, but what happened in an instant has had life-changing repercussions that changed the very core of I am as a person and as a Christian woman. To say I learned "so much" feels laughable, as all of what I learned couldn't even be written down in a book. At least not that anyone would want to read, haha. My passion and burden now is to use what I learned to help and encourage other young women who have gone and are going through a break up. **

What I don't like talking about, though, is exactly what I'm making myself talk about right now. And that's how even four and a half years later, it stills hurts sometimes. I don't like talking about that part of it because even though I'm usually pretty quick to be open and honest about myself, to talk about this is opening myself up to a level of vulnerability that even I find myself struggling with.

It was okay for people to know I hurt when it first happened because well, that's what you're supposed to do. But four and a half years later? Sheesh girl, that should be old news. Right? And here's the thing. It is old news. It is in my past. I am over that relationship. There's not a particle of my being that would choose to go back to either that relationship or the person that I myself used to be.


But maybe it's a word someone says or an old picture that will pop up on our computer photo screen saver or maybe a memory will blind-side me out of nowhere or sometimes it just happens...but for like ten seconds, I go back. Back to when I had to watch him walk away or back to those first few months when nothing made sense and everything meant pain. And I remember and I hurt and my chest will feel like it's about to explode with the weight of it and I'll cry. I'll cry because I remember the confused girl who didn't even know the heart could hurt that bad and I'll ache because I remember a once cherished dream that was lost.

But only for a few minutes and then it passes and once again, it's just a thing of the past. But the point is that it happens, even so long after the real pain passes and so many other things have taken it's place. Like the man who loses his leg but still feels those phantom itches where no leg is, so it can be with someone who's heart was shattered when they lost someone who meant the world to them.


So, I don't like to tell people that I still have these little moments every once in awhile, because I don't want you to think I'm still holding on, when I'm not. I don't want you to think I'm not over it, when I am. I don't want you to think I'm still harboring feelings for him, when there's no such feelings there. So, I feel very exposed revealing this bit about me for fear of what you might think, might assume or how you might view me.

And the reason that I'm coming out and saying all this is because it's part of who I am and who knows? maybe it always will be. But the reason I come out and talk about it the most is because I know I'm not the only girl who's had a serious break up who still has these moments and maybe like me at first, she's freaking out because she doesn't know where they keep coming from or what to do with them and maybe she's feeling like something is weird or broken about her.

She's not. Neither is she broken or "damaged goods". It's just the way the heart works and it's okay. It gets easier. Sometimes it gets harder. Sometimes it's not even there at all. But what will always be there is God, who knows it, who sees it, who will heal it and continue to every day renew you even when you don't know you need to be renewed again.

Four and a half years later? It's okay.




* P.S. For the record, when I say "break up," I'm not talking about high school level break ups or the breakups that happen when you date around all the time. No, when I say break ups, I'm talking about the kind where you break up with the person you were about to get married to, who you honestly viewed as your future spouse and who you'd become one with in every way except physical. When you come from the mentality that the first guy you're in a relationship with would be the guy you married, the first guy to say "I love you" would be for forever and every "first" would only be with one person ever, so much so that when you lose that person through a breakup, it's like they literally died. That kind of break up that I mean. Those kinds of break ups are like a death and people who have to walk through them are people who are never the same again.

16 comments:

  1. Girl, you spoke straight to my heart!! I had a breakup like this 5 years ago and I still get those little twinges of pain... And I'm married! I used to be ashamed because I thought they meant something... But really they don't, not in a bad way. They don't mean I still have feelings for that guy because I don't. And they don't mean I wish I could have changed things... Because I don't either. But in those little moments of pain I ache for that girl crying alone in her bed, I remember those feelings vividly, they are some of the worst feelings ever! I wish I could go be with that girl and hold her and tell her how things would work out and how it will be ok one day, how strong of a woman she would become from all of this pain... But I don't think that would have helped. Those pains were growing pains, they still are.

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  2. For some reason it cut me off haha but those growing pains it think are just reminders that we are human. We are flawed and we have a lot to resolve. Multiple times already those pains have resurfaced and helped me feel empathy for girls going through the same thing... So they aren't always bad. :) mostly I just cling to the truth that god can use that horrible no-good pain for His purpose. And that sucks--because we have to feel it over and over again... But eventually it stops being a growing pain and turns into a piece of who you are. And you can use that to relate to and help others.

    Sorry for the novel girl, you stirred up my passion for this topic I guess. :)

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    1. Angela, girl, I love this comment!! It's so exactly what I was saying! I was so terrible when I first began having "reoccurring" pain after I'd passed that major point of healing and then when the guy had gotten married, I felt like I dirty because I'd have those feelings. But then, just like you, I came to the point of realization that it's completely normal and that when the heart goes through a big loss like that, it'll never forget, even though you've completely healed and moved on.

      I love how we can really relate on the issues of breakups, I too hold the topic dear to my heart and I know that it's something the Lord has given me (and you!!) to help other hurting girls.

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  3. Thank you for being so honest and open Kellie....I am sure you will bless many young ladies...maybe even a guy. :)

    Iris♥

    PS: Your new font is really really hard to read....or maybe my computer isn't showing me the font you choose...just thought I'd let you know.

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    1. Ah, thanks, Iris!!

      And I changed my font - hope it's better!

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  4. As usual, you've shared a piece of your heart in this post, Kellie. Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts. <3

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  5. Sweet girl, I love your heart immensely. I am so glad you are open and honest here, because your blog just wouldn't be the same or such an inspiration without that. There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling for the past. Even if you know you would never return to that relationship, it took up a huge chunk of your heart and time and that's not just something you get over! The past has a way of bringing out those little bits of pain, but you're right - it's definitely okay to feel that way!

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    1. Thanks, Julie! I'm so blessed how so many of you have commented with understanding, rather than the misunderstanding I so feared. It is okay - that's so exactly what I've learned over the past few years. But it's so easy for it to leave you feeling guilty or damaged and that's not something any hurting girl should be feeling!

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  6. Oh girly, this post was just lovely. As usual, your voice was honest and open, full of courage and vulnerability. Kellie, you just continue to knock my socks off with your posts! Even though I've never been there, I just wrote a post about being single and having those singleness pains that come and go and I think that in a way, it mirrors that even though you're over your relationship, pains come and go. Because with everything, pains do come and go. They remind us that we're human and that we're not perfect but that Jesus is there for us to heal and help us let go. Love you and your heart and I am so grateful for your bright light in this blogging world. :)

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    1. Girl, I need to go get caught up on your blog! I feel so behind on everything!

      But thank you for faithfully commenting on this somewhat neglected blog! I cherish our blogging friendship!

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  7. Oh Kellie, I want you to know that I hold you close in my heart over this issue. I honestly can't imagine the pain you experienced but you are an example to me in godly obedience and choosing faith over feelings. I can honestly say that I'm truly proud of you. Thank you for your vulnerability and bravery. May God continue to use your story for the advanced me of His kingdom.

    And may I just say, spot on photos! :)

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    1. Thank you, Brea. That means soooo much. :)

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  8. THANK YOU. People are so shocked that I *still*, two years later, have days when I am hurt and angry about my situation. And yes, I've gotten to where I just hide it, because people think I should still be over it, especially since I didn't have any kind of emotional attachment to him. That doesn't mean that I am not still upset over the mess that happened or the repercussions that still go on from it. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing this!!! As always, you're such a HUGE blessing!!!

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  9. I cannot imagine your pain girl. Hugs to you and keep being honest with your feelings! It's ok to hurt - it's more than ok, it's NORMAL! I'm loving catching up with your blog! YAY for having internet for a wee bit! (borrowing my fiance's computer while he's out with friends. lol)

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  10. I can so relate to your pain! I know it is so different, because every situation is different, but I hear your hurt and understand the brokenness that comes after a break up. "Those kinds of break ups are like a death and people who have to walk through them are people who are never the same again." YES. Just happened to me this summer, and I'm peeking out of my dismal chamber of doubt and depression and starting to see the light and meaning in it all. But it doesn't take away the hurt. It doesn't take away the fact that my life will never, ever be the same after being broke up with when I thought for sure that the man I was with was the man I would marry.

    Love your heart, girl! <3 I hope to stop by your blog again. You've blessed me so much already, and this is my first visit! :-)

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