Nostalgia

The archives of my life were delved into this afternoon, when I began looking through some "ancient" pictures of me, family, and friends, dating back four years ago. We laughed at how babyish some of my siblings looked, giggled at how my little brother had two sets of his two front teeth at the same time, one set right in front of the other - I always joked with him he could chew twice as fast as the rest of us because of it. We "oh wowed" at lost (or gained) weight, tried to remember almost forgotten cat's names, "aaaah"-ed as we saw pictures of friends we haven't seen since the pictures were taken. It was a delightful few moments of nostalgia. We looked so happy, so alive, so free.

Alot has happened in four years, at least alot has happened in my life. At twenty-four, I've seen alot more of the reality of life than when I was twenty. The world was at my feet, just waiting to be explored! A word I would use to describe who I was when I was twenty is "expectant." I was ready for every dream to happen, every excitement, every great adventure. And I've had adventures! I've had royal times that I'd never trade for anything! The Lord has blessed me with a grand wealth of joyful years, loving family, those few steadfast friends.

But when I closed the book on the pictures...I felt that familiar twinge in my heart. "Expectant" isn't a word I would use to describe myself anymore. Maybe "resigned." Or rather, "calm." I'm not old, I'm actually rather young, but pain has a way of maturing the heart and anguish can so quickly cause you to leave girlish fantasies behind. And in my life, that took place in a painful way. Not in a way that is unique from anyone else, but still just as forceful as any other.

I don't wake up in the morning with the thought of "what if it's today?" But rather, I thank God for life, His presence, His steadfast love despite my failures (past and present), and know that most likely, today will be just like any other day.

I know it's good to realize that life ISN'T a fairy-tale, castles in the sky are just as stable and likely to last as castles built on the sand. But I regret that I've taken such a cynical view on life. Compared to what I was a year ago, I'm a regular court-jester, but compared to someone who still has the world at their feet, I'm rather an old fogey. I have the joy of the Lord, I have a peace in my heart that passes understanding. But I do have a drag in my step. I have "inner peace." But the "outer glow" is still pretty dim.

And I want that to change! I don't want to be a stick in the mud all my life! I have a hard time believing in "happily ever after," because of the anguish of losing deep love that I have felt (someday that story will be told). But I want to kick of these doldrums, and be as expectant about life as I used to be!! With God anything is possible, so with God anything can happen! I'm a melancholy at heart, but God's promises are true, despite my "personality."

My prayer is that the Lord will give me the grace to realize that despite past pain, the future is STILL glowing bright.

"Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth until those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 3:14