Monday ~ My Life as a Self-Imposed Rapunzel

Okay, so despite my pursuit of honesty and transparency, I can't fully disclose the details about this post only because my blog is known and ready by my family and friends and so therefore, certain levels of “withholdings” must be observed at times. But suffice to say...I've got this issue that I've been wrestling with. Now, there are issues and then there are issues. And this is one of those issues, the kind that sorta sucks out your reasonings, depletes your sanity and leaves you feeling weighted down. So yesterday before church, I went to my favorite “help” chapter in the Bible and there in the middle of the chapter, I found this familiar treasure: 

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The comforting impact of the verse sorta swirled around like a cup of hot chocolate in my heart, easing the stress and burden. But then I hit something and came back down to a halt.

Because usually, verses like these are the verses I find my comfort in when bad things are happening around me, or when some sort of trial is trying to force me underwater. That tower of refuge in Christ is my hiding place from people's criticism, Satan's lies and life's accusation. But this time...that's not what I'm facing. Because what I'm hiding from isn't something I don't want...but something that I DO want but know I shouldn't have.

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It's easy to run to Christ's mighty fortress when you don't want to be found, but it's so, so, so hard to hide yourself inside of Christ's refuge when being found is exactly what you want. I feel like Rapunzel inside of her lofty tower, only instead of a cruel, self-serving Mother Gothel, I'm protected there by a kind, loving Father who truly wants my best. But I pace inside my tower room, peaking out the window when I think God's not looking, aching to get out and claim what I want even though I know it's not safe or healthy. It's hard to stay inside when I hear a party going on outside and all I want to do is grab a mic and join in the karaoke.

I'm wrestling not with forces that are trying to get in at me...but rather, the force of ME that doesn't want to have to put a cramp in my style and wants to get out. What I want is fun, exciting, and very satisfying to this girly heart, the kind of thing that brings adventure and affirmation. But it also would mostly likely come at a great cost, to myself and others. It's not a bad or sinful thing...but to quote Lina Lamont, it's “flirting with danger.” It would be self-serving and unwise. It would be so easy to just throw caution to the wind and flirt with that pleasurable danger, enjoying it while it lasted and pretending that there wouldn't be consequences.

But self-serving, unwise decisions always come with a price and a consequence. And even if I felt that I was up to paying that price, the others that would be effected by it don't deserve to pay it. As a woman of Christ, I must live to a standard that refuses to entertain my flesh on unhealthy pursuits and fleeing pleasures. The Lord's my protector, but I'm not the only one He protects. He'll protect his other children, too. And I've already hurt enough people in my life because of my selfish choices and poor reasonings.

So...as hard as it is, I'm in hiding today. I'm hiding my wishes and my temptations inside of the refuge of Christ's mighty fortress, looking to Christ to not only satisfy me, but to help me relinquish my self-fulfilling desires.

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