Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Tuesday ~ PJ's, Morning Breath and a Guy Who Liked Somebody Else


I thought maybe he liked me. Ah, it sounds so junior high (I'm blushing), but it's true. I'd thought maybe I'd been seeing those little tell-tale signs that give away the fact that someone wanted me. It's a lovely feeling, that feeling of being noticed, like an extra kick of caffeine in your day that gives everything a slightly happier glow about it. You feel more important, more beautiful and well...just wanted.

But I found out I was wrong. It wasn't me who he was noticing, it was someone else. And if they get together, that's going to be one dynamite couple of pure cuteness, so that's seriously okay. But once again, it also just means that I'm just one of the average, over-looked, un-noticed single crowd again. Woohoo.

It's a feeling I struggle with a lot, sometimes more so than at other times. I have one friend (plus my sister) who is still single. But everybody else has someone to love and be loved by. And frankly, it hurts to be the last one. Because it's like everybody looks at me and thinks to themselves that “Oh there's Kellie, nobody wanted her.” Ok, maybe they do and maybe they don't, but that's how I feel – like the leftovers in the barrel or the one that just wasn't quite good enough.

I know that I have worth, that in Christ I'm loved, cherished and wanted. But you know what I mean when I say that sometimes being loved by an unseen Father isn't quite the same as being loved by a very physical hunk of manhood. As a good Christian, I know I shouldn't say that, but frankly, it's often how I feel and I bet you've felt the same way.

 Because there's just something about being loved by a guy. It gives you credit in the eyes of others. Having someone to love you is like having a billboard painted on your chest that says “see! I'm wantable!” I've been in two relationships before so I know that feeling. It's a secure feeling. It makes you feel worth-ful. When you're with someone, you feel important, more confident and you always have someone right there for you who's very presence in your life wanting you gives you more power than you've ever felt.

 But then there's me and my bowl of ice cream, talking to boulders.

So, where am I going with this? To Jesus, of course. Because even though He's not a physical guy at our shoulder, somehow the fact that He's our supernatural God in our hearts can fill that gap. I'm working on feeling it right now, but I've heard it enough and read it in His Word enough to KNOW that it must be true.

Because think about it. How big is God? Let's see:

He created the Universe. Like....the whole stinkin' universe. Have you considered lately how BIG the universe is? Galaxies upon galaxies, stars upon millions of stars, the distance of a light-year, the black spaces that go on for infinity for all we know. Yah, basically...He made that. He's our big universe-creating God.

He can bring a rotting carcass back to life. That's like taking an inanimate object, as lifeless as say, my toothbrush, and making it become alive. Okay, that's big.

He made a woman's period stop. Let's all of us females just take a moment to appreciate this fact. Imagine that you've been bleeding for seven years without stop (imagine the cramping!) and it's not a three day, five day or even seven day cycle...the bleeding never stops. For seven years. And then...with just a tiny touch, He stops it. Just like that. New woman, like one of those beaming women in a birth-control commercial.

That's our big God. Breath in that fact. And then breathe in the thought that surely, a God who's supernatural and so BIG can fill up our hearts, my heart, your heart, with an equal feeling of love. You've really got to wrap your mind around it, because without the visual confirmation of His love, it's so easy to just not get how He can do that. Because it doesn't make sense, especially as our female heart long SO much for the love that comes from a guy being in our life. I want to see it with my eyes, I want to physically feel it and I want everyone else to see Mr. Handsome walking next to me holding my hand like I'm more precious that rubies.

But He's big, friends. God is big. How simple we are if we can seriously hold the Word of God in our hands, full of the testimony of His power, and still doubt that He can fill that void in our hearts. It's NOT the same kind of filler as it would be if it was a guy, but it's God Himself. Yes, different and yes, enough.

I know it's hard to make our hearts, programed to want a special love, override that code and accept the presence and confirmation of Christ as enough for us. It's hard to believe. But we need to believe it. As Christians, we are called to believe it. What's the point of surrendered our lives to Christ, our creator, if we continue to hold on to doubt that He's not really going to be enough for us, in those times when it feels like everybody’s got somebody but me?

It's a game-changer, this big God of ours. Let's believe in Him.

And maybe as I'm sitting here typing this on my bed, still dressed in my pj's with my teeth still unbrushed, I can believe it, too.


Written a few days ago.

40 comments:

  1. Good thoughts! I know how you feel, Kellie! Sometimes it's difficult to wait when you're doing things the Lord's way, but the end result will be so worth it! I'm turning 25 this year, and choosing to be joyful and content every day with where the Lord has me is a continual battle- but certainly one worth fighting. You're right. God is so big and great, and I'm sure that he has just the right person in mind for each of us. ;)

    Sending a hug your way!
    Lauren

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    1. Right on it IS one worth fighting for! How easy it is to forget that, though, in the day to day rut of living, it's easy for what we see and feel to take precedence over what we know to be true.

      Thanks for you super-fast comment this morning, Lauren!

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  2. This is a beautiful, so sweet. So inspiring. <3 I have a boyfriend, who loves me, but my struggle is more in "Why am I not ENGAGED? Why is everyone else getting married but me?"

    THanks for sharing. It really touched my heart today.

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    1. Brittany, I'm pretty convinced that these types of feelings will "haunt" us all throughout our lives, whether we're married or single. Since we're designed for fellowship with Christ, our earthly loves will never quite satisfy, no matter how awesome or perfect our guy may be.

      Thank you for your comment, each response has encouraged me so much this morning! And I hope you get that proposal soon. ;)

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  3. *le*sigh* How true this rings! I can't count how many times I've had a guy I thought might like me, then he tells me how much he likes my sister and or friends and could I scope out the situation for him.

    All the while the other gals in my life complain about how annoying all the attention they get from guys is.....while I'm sitting here never having had a guy even flirt with me.....can anyone say pathetic pity party much? =P

    I know God has His own timing, He has a perfect plan and is all powerful/knowing and what not, but can't this girl get one guy to wink at her? Heck, even a Mr. Collins wouldn't be snubbed right away..... =P

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    1. Ouch, Katysue! How positively dreadful to be so mis-lead that way, that's pretty much like the ultimate "denial!" Here's a hug from me: *hug*

      I echo your sentiments so similarly, m'dear! I often wonder like "um, why can't anyone see me? What is it about other girls that makes them such a target for guy's attention?" I guess the right answer is that none of those guys are OUR guy, so I guess that's actually a good thing. Says my head to my heart. :)

      Hahahaha...oh dear, surely not a Mr. Collins! You deserve so much better than that. :)

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  4. Well I have to say, I certainly needed to hear this. I know you must be thinking (this girl is only 14) I know, but even though I don't plan on being in a relationship for maybe another 5 years...I certainly want to be in one just as much as you do!

    This is a post that women can always be reminded of!

    the 7 year period...I was on the floor laughing. :)

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    1. Madison, I may be 12 years farther along in the game than you, but we both have the same female-heart that longs for love and affirmation! If you can grasp now the truth of God's enough-ness, I can tell you that down the road, should you not get married/get a guy as soon as you'd hoped, you'll be a lot better off. :)

      Hehe,a seven year period is funny...in a horrible sort of way! ;)

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    2. I meant the way you worded it...not necessarily that she had it...just to clarify...lol

      BTW, I love that song! (and Hunter Hayes for that matter)

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    3. Gotcha, girl! And I'm fond of that song m'self. :)

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  5. yeah, I can relate to this post. I am still single as well. I'm 22. A LOT of my friends have serious boyfriends who they will likely get engaged to. It's hard, but I trust God's timing, and I hope and pray God brings Him into my life sometime soon. I realize that when I pray that prayer to God that "soon" could mean anywhere from 1 month to 10 years, but that's alright. haha
    love this post! xo

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    1. You're right, Jess - it IS hard. But as the line of one of my favorite Chris Rice songs says "{He} never said it would be easy, but {He} said He'd see me through the storm." Which is one of the "perks" of being single longer than one intended - we're forced to learn about God's enough-ness in a whole new light.

      And I know He is enough. It's just claiming that Truth every day, every hour, every time those thoughts of worth-lessness try and steal my joy and crown.

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  6. Okay, so I think you probably knew I was going to comment on this one (singleness + writing from my heart are two of my newest passions, after all!) but I just have to say that I SERIOUSLY LOVED THIS POST.

    Like seriously. This just might be my most favoritest (I know that's not a word, no judging) post of yours yet. You don't know how many times I've had those exact same feelings and I know that "leftover" feeling--especially as someone who's never been in a romantic relationship. I also know that desire to want to be loved by a human (in a romantic way) and just feeling love from a real person. It's tough stuff being single. It's also tough stuff trusting God and letting Him write your story. BUT, there's something beautiful about the unknown, too. Sure, it's scary stuff. But it's also kind of cool in a surprise kind of way, you know? Okay, I'm rambling. I just have to say that I'm here for you girl and am so glad you wrote this and shared this.

    I also have to say that there's something amazing about Jesus' love. There's something amazing about the fact that He loves us no matter what. He'll never EVER break up with us, and He always wants to spend time with us (even when it's that time of the month!). :)

    Love you girl! Sending hugs your way.

    p.s. I was just writing up a post about singleness again. So glad we're blog twins again!

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    1. Oh, I love that - "there's something beautiful about the unknown, too." What a beautiful concept and so true. Despite all the longings, buried deep inside of it, there is a part that finds the mystery of God in waiting on Him to be so worth-while.

      And yes, how incredible (like, really!) it is that Jesus is ALWAYS here. No break-ups with Him, no walking away, no love growing cold, no reason for me to have to leave again (since in both my relationships I was the one who had to call it off, I'm more sensitive to ME having to leave again than to me being left). He's just always so faithful, so there, so never-failing. Beautiful reminders all! And not just reminders, but rock-solid Truths.

      That's for such a love comment, I'm so encouraged by every word you say and am also just so thankful for you - we may not have location in common, but we have so much else and girl, I thank God for you!

      Here's to each of us finding spouses, but even more...here's to both of us finding out that God is even MORE than we really can handle. :)

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  7. I know this wasn't easy to write but know that I appreciate your bare-bones honesty on the subject. And also know that you are not second-hand, or second-rate or not wanted just because you aren't in a relationship! Even though it feels that way, it's still a lie from satan. Don't believe it for a moment! And I love that despite what you're going through and emotionally feel you are claiming victory, I see that at the end of this post. Way to go sister!
    Although I can't take away the hardness of where you're at, I want you to know that I do pray for you. I want you to feel secure, loved, stable and wanted. We all want that and it's ok, as long as it's all derived God. He has you on this difficult path for a reason. Why? I can't answer that. But I know you're braver than you think and a challenge to me. Hang in there!
    Sending much love from me to you today :)

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    1. You know what's sorta weird? Is that sometimes that lie that I'm not enough...actually feels good. In a pity-party sort of way. Like...if nobody wants me, then I can at least use that rejection as a crutch and a pacifier. It's so easy to wrap myself up in "nobody wants me" and curl up inside of it like a blanket and somehow...find a twisted form of "comfort" in it.

      But seeing when I'm doing that AND coming crawling out of that pity-party blanket is hard and it feels so exposed. But it's necessary. Vital. So important.

      I've been talking truth to myself lately, each day (way more than once!) having to take my heart to the Lord and getting my fill.

      Thank you for your prayers, Brea! That really touched me SO much when I read that and I can't even begin to tell you how much it means to me! I want to get married (you know that) but I also really do want to be a full, complete, Spirit-filled woman and that only comes through being with Christ. And that's the most important thing of all.

      Love you!

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  8. Kellie, thank you so much for this post! Thank you for being honest and saying these things. I think stuff like this all the time, but such things are rarely mentioned in the Christian community, and I wonder, am I the only one feeling this way? This: "But you know what I mean when I say that sometimes being loved by an unseen Father isn't quite the same as being loved by a very physical hunk of manhood." Yes. Thank you. :)

    I'm 22 and have never been in a relationship (I'm not counting that time when I was like 13 and me and this boy "liked" each other). As in, I've never been asked out or pursued. I was set up on a sort-of blind date several years ago by my older cousin, with a guy she worked with. We didn't have much in common, but he asked for my number and then never called (now I realize that was a good thing, but it did sting then). I've met a couple of Christian guys who I *thought* might be interested in me and who I would have liked to get to know better, but it never came to anything.

    I know exactly what you mean about feeling like the leftovers. I often feel like the girl who isn't pretty enough or spiritual enough or homemaker-ish enough (I can't cook yet!). Not to mention my "strange" interests and hobbies and opinions on things. I'm like, with all of the other girls he could pick from, why would a guy choose me? It's awful to feel unwanted.

    I *know* that God should be enough. I've read the books and heard the sermons and I know in my head, but I don't quite feel it in my heart yet, you know? I'm not at that point yet, but maybe someday I will be.

    Anyway, when I feel like the chances of me ever meeting the right guy are very slim, I do try to remember how big my God is. If He created this huge, gorgeous universe, isn't it obvious He's capable of bringing the right person into my life at the right time?

    Whew. Big, emotional comment. (I've been struggling with this more than usual lately.) Sorry about that. :) But thank you for this post.

    ~Kristin

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    1. Kristin, thank you for such transparency right back! That was gutsy and I appreciate it SO much!

      Yes, this whole issue is so rarely addressed, since to talk about it requires saying that we don't feel God is enough, which, of course, makes us look like a Christianity fail. Growing up and even in my late teens/early 20's/my idealistic years, I assumed that because God never let us down...that I, therefore, must always FEEL like He's never let me down. Well, at twenty-six years old, I can say that I have felt many times when nope, God did not feel like He was enough and yup, it sure felt like He let me down. And I know I'm not the only one who has felt that way.

      Having been a Christian basically all my life and like you, having read the books, heard the sermons, prayed the right prayers, I KNOW what the Bible says and I KNOW that it says He is enough. But on my average day, believing that is sometimes almost impossible. And most of the time, I don't even want to try to make myself believe it. Because it hurts so much to be the left-overs. A pity-party is better than nothing, right?

      I have a pretty good idea of how you're feeling, Kristin, since that's so close to exactly where I am, too! Sorta just giving up on it all. But lets hang in, okay? I know that there are days when just plugging on with a polker face is all we have...but then, somehow, someway, sometime...there is ALWAYS a day when maybe, just maybe...God feels a little bit closer than He has been and getting a taste of his "enough-ness" is a lot more real. That may not be today for you, but as I'm myself tasting the hint of it on my tongue, let me just throw out a little life-line that says keep going. If God is real (which we know He is), then He's constant. And if He's constant, then it means He's not gone anywhere. And if He's not gone anywhere, that means you'll see see Him (and His fulfilled promises!) again.

      If we lived near each other, I'd be calling you right now to set up a coffee date, where we can talk, vent, cry and pray. But for now, know that you're worth so much. True story. :)

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    2. Thanks, Kellie. I needed this. :)

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  9. Girl THANK YOU for sharing your heart. You are an incredible lady and I know God has someone just as amazing out there for you... in His timing. I remember having these feelings and just feeling so alone and unloved while it seemed like all my friends around me were in serious relationships. It's not fun at all...and I can tell you over and over to trust God and His plan--but it doesn't really take away those feelings does it? I remember those vividly and I hatedddd them. You know what kind of helped? Talking or reading about people's experiences with the same thing. I know that tons of girls are connecting with you through this post, and you are helping so many wonderful girls' hearts in doing so... Just know that one day you will find your man, and one day you will look back and see how God was shaping you through these awful feelings you are having. It doesn't make right now any better, but one day it will all be worth it. "The struggle is part of the story." Very fitting.

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    1. Thank you SO SO SO much for this, Angela! And also...THANK YOU for not just speaking platitudes and for understanding that all those often well-meant words don't always help! You're one of the FIRST married women who has acknowledged that and not given us single girls the God card. You're one rockin' married lady. ;)

      And truly, I'm so encouraged by everything you said. Thank you so much!

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  10. Although I'm not single and am in a serious relationship that will probably end up in marriage in a few years I can relate to what you're talking about. But I'm the odd one out because I am in a relationship. In my church there are mostly single young people. You can end up feeling like you're not spiritual enough because you are in a committed relationship that requires time and effort that everyone else is spending in ministry! I think everyone gets so caught up in what everyone else is doing and feels left out. I think girls single, dating, engaged or married need to remember that at the end of the day we are all just girls :) Praying for you sweet girl. I hated being single (heck I hate waiting to be engaged haha - I'm impatient can you tell?), I wish I knew how to be an encouragement without being the rub it in your face girl who tells you that it's worth the wait (I hated when people said that - it doesn't help that much while you're waiting). Xo

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    1. Thanks for this comment, Francesca! In truth, the concept of accepting the Lord as our affirmation and worth applies across the board to everyone - married or single, male or female. Everyone has something they want that others have, just like you said, even married women can feel "inferior" for various reasons JUST as much as single girls can! Thanks for that reminder and thanks for your prayers!

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  11. Whoo, girl, do I understand you! Those feelings you're struggling with are exactly the same I fight every day. It's hard to see all your best friends getting happily married (some younger than you) and you're still at home wondering when your life will actually begin. Yeah...I so understand.

    I needed to hear this today. You are SO right. I mean, the Creator of the UNIVERSE loves me unconditionally. What do I even have to complain about? Seriously. He has a beautiful plan for all of us and will love us FOREVER. Now that's beautiful.

    Thanks, Kellie, you really are a jewel.

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    1. I'm so glad that this post was encouraging to you! It was therapeutic for me just writing it the other day! Being the only single left standing is tough and often the platitudes of "God has a perfect plan for you" or "it'll be worth it!" don't really help! But look at all those comments above, girl - we are FAR from alone!

      And so it's worth gripping onto the fact that He's really loving us even in the midst of being single. :)

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  12. Aww, Kellie. ::Hugs:: This blessed my heart, gorgeous friend. {As well as your latest email which was amazing to read start to finish} As we've discussed before--neither of us are alone in feeling like this, & for me, & like you said here--it's another level of trust & intimacy in our relationship with our loving Father God as He continues to "wait in the wings" to give us the one guy He's been working on for us.

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    1. Thanks, Meghan! And I'm curious to know your input on that email. Sorta nervous about that, since it was definitely OLD material. :)

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  13. Kellie,

    Okay, so I've been a blog...not stalker, but "silent follower" perhaps?...for too long, and I decided I needed to break that habit. :) I've so enjoyed your photography and the way your love for family shines through. But even more than that, your honesty about your walk with the Lord just encourages me again and again. What you've written about singleness (and related) has helped me see some pretty significant holes in my own thinking. So...thank you!

    It was fun seeing you this weekend, too!
    Rachel

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    1. Rachel, non-creepy "stalkers" are always welcome! :D But I'm so glad that you decided to "come out" and say something, that means quite a lot to me!

      I'm so glad that this post was meaningful for you and helpful! I know that in writing it out, processing thoughts in my head, was really important for me to do! Being single is tough (and since I've been in serious relationships before, I know that dating is tough, too, but that's a different category of tough altogether!) and denying my fleshly pity-party is also hard. But my head says to my heard that it's worth it. Because He's God.

      Thanks for your comment, Rachel! I hope you'll still be able to join us for our next hang-out!

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  14. Yeah...you know I know EXACTLY what you are talking about...because I've been there...for my last four years of blogging. What on earth. I so know. ...But still every day it's like I have to place into perspective what is most important in life. Him? Or God? Honestly YOU have convicted ME in this post...because I need to remember to put God first (seriously...as you can tell in my latest post full of woes { insunshineandshadowsmew.blogspot.com/2013/06/drugstore-visits-perspective.html }. God always needs to be placed first in our lives. HE shouldn't be the one pushed out into the wing (I do this far too often), or a last resort. He is never a last resort. Thanks for that lovely reminder. Sending tons of love and hugs your way. Wish you were here -- I'd share my chocolate with you and we could cry together and then remind each other what really matters. God. We are here to serve Him. Sending love your way! ~ Micah

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    1. Ah, girl...the combination of your post AND this comment makes it so much more powerful! Because obviously you're "guy-less" for awhile and coupled with your oh-so-sad attempts to talk to him and then you're turn around and still sticking tight with God...girl, thank you! You're an encouragement to me today!

      Yah, I'm seriously wishing that we lived near each other! I'd share your chocolate and then bring some more. :D

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  15. Yes, yes, yes. Kellie, this post resonated with me so much! I had a dream last night that I had a boyfriend and he was awesome and gorgeous, and he thought that *I* was awesome and gorgeous. Obviously waking up to reality after a dream like that was a little discouraging, so I mentally gave myself the whole “Jesus is way better than any boyfriend/husband” speech (which is COMPLETELY true, but still very hard to believe sometimes). Your post was so encouraging! Knowing in your head that other Christian girls also have their “weak “I-wanna-be-in-a-relationship-like-everyone-else moments is one thing, and hearing about it first hand is another.

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    1. You have dreams like that, too?? Okay, good, glad I'm not the only one who sometimes spend the first few hours of their days recovering from the emotional trauma of waking up!! :D

      And in return...I've been SO encouraged by your's and all the other girl's responses to this post! And it makes me wish that we all lived close to each other so that we could have some kind of support group...or just a place where we could feel free to just be honest and open with each other! Think of how much stronger we'd all feel, knowing that we weren't along, with others there to remind us of God's truth when we felt weak!

      Thanks for commenting, Taylor! And here's to dreams coming true, eh? ;)

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  16. What a beautiful post! I am so glad that you were honest and didn't try to cover up any of these feelings you're having. And honestly? Being in a relationship is great, but there is a new challenge that when you DO have that love from a man it can make it a lot easier to let that replace the love of Christ. So that's something I struggle with while being in this relationship. It can make you feel complete when you really won't be complete without God. Just thought you should hear the other side of the story and how it's not all rainbows and flowers :) Thank you for sharing your sweet heart!

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    1. I know exactly what you mean, Julie! I was in a very serious relationship, too, a few years back and came very close to marrying the guy, so I know what you mean - relationships are AMAZING but even they, too, can be a "fake" satisfaction. Even when we find that love of our life, God STILL is the only one who satisfies.

      Thank you for your perspective and your reminders! And thanks for not giving just empty platitudes of "it's worth the wait," etc...but for actually giving a valuable response from "the other side" of singleness. :)

      You rock, Julie. :)

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  17. Ah yes. Love your honesty Kellie. Because frankly it IS hard a lot of days. It doesn't get any easier the older you get. (Okay, I realize that sounds like I'm ancient when I'm not really. But go with it anyway? :) But praise God we have Him to lean on! Because you are SO right! He's huge and awesome and amazing and awe-inspiring, and loves us, loves ME so so so much. Thank you JESUS!! :)

    One thing someone told me a few years ago has stuck with me. Whatever you imagine wanting/desiring out of significant other, imagine God doing it. Like for instance, I love the idea of being wrapped in someone's arms. So when I'm feeling down, I imagine God wrapping me tight and holding me close. Does that make sense? Kind of sounds funny probably, but it does help! At least in my humble opinion.

    Thanks so much for your honesty and encouragement. Seriously. This is a lovely, lovely post and I'm honored with your bravery in sharing it with all of us.

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    1. Kara, I LOVE that thought! I'd never thought of "imaging" God fulfilling those special longings like that before, but what a great thought. I'm a "visual learner," so having something to sort of "see" is something I always look for and this thought if fabulous. Thank you!

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  18. Gosh..YES.
    As a single woman who loves Jesus...YES.
    I KNOW i shouldn't feel those things (wanting a physical man to love me because God is and should always be enough)....but it's hard.
    Some days i'm like "psshhh i'm a pro at being single and watching movies by myself...i even kind of enjoy it" and other days i look in the mirror and find myself believing satans lies "see...why would anyone want this"...gah so true.
    THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for your honesty, for your frankness...for being bold.
    You're not alone in the struggle, or in the path to remembering who God is and WHY He IS enough.
    <3
    New follower.

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    1. Amy, your comment and response has truly blessed me this morning! I truly grow weary of the pressure to "be content" and to never show the fact that yes, as a single woman, I do (naturally!) long for marriage in a big way. And so your transparent response to this post (ie. my heart on my sleeve) is such a huge encouragement!

      Haha, and I have to chuckle, because I'm the SAME way! In fact, I was just pondering that this morning - how some days I feel like the single life is the life for me...and then some days I feel like I must be the bride of Frankenstein. I sometimes jokingly wonder to myself if I'm bi-polar or something, because I can go to both extremes. But that longing for marriage never TRULY goes away (and the fact that I notice every single guy who walks past certainly doesn't stop, haha!) and so, more often than not, I'm like you and so many other girls (refer to all the comments above!), having to stifle my longings for a physical love/affirmation/guy and "console" myself with Christ.

      And when I fully grasp Him in those moments...oh what a consolation! :D

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Oooh, you're about to comment! How exciting! Know that you are SO MUCH MORE than just a name and a comment to me - you're a person I'd like to get to know! Make sure you check back, as I reply to each comment. I love getting to talk/correspond with each of you!