Tuesday ~ PJ's, Morning Breath and a Guy Who Liked Somebody Else

I thought maybe he liked me. Ah, it sounds so junior high (I'm blushing), but it's true. I'd thought maybe I'd been seeing those little tell-tale signs that give away the fact that someone wanted me. It's a lovely feeling, that feeling of being noticed, like an extra kick of caffeine in your day that gives everything a slightly happier glow about it. You feel more important, more beautiful and well...just wanted.

But I found out I was wrong. It wasn't me who he was noticing, it was someone else. And if they get together, that's going to be one dynamite couple of pure cuteness, so that's seriously okay. But once again, it also just means that I'm just one of the average, over-looked, un-noticed single crowd again. Woohoo.

It's a feeling I struggle with a lot, sometimes more so than at other times. I have one friend (plus my sister) who is still single. But everybody else has someone to love and be loved by. And frankly, it hurts to be the last one. Because it's like everybody looks at me and thinks to themselves that “Oh there's Kellie, nobody wanted her.” Ok, maybe they do and maybe they don't, but that's how I feel – like the leftovers in the barrel or the one that just wasn't quite good enough.

I know that I have worth, that in Christ I'm loved, cherished and wanted. But you know what I mean when I say that sometimes being loved by an unseen Father isn't quite the same as being loved by a very physical hunk of manhood. As a good Christian, I know I shouldn't say that, but frankly, it's often how I feel and I bet you've felt the same way.

 Because there's just something about being loved by a guy. It gives you credit in the eyes of others. Having someone to love you is like having a billboard painted on your chest that says “see! I'm wantable!” I've been in two relationships before so I know that feeling. It's a secure feeling. It makes you feel worth-ful. When you're with someone, you feel important, more confident and you always have someone right there for you who's very presence in your life wanting you gives you more power than you've ever felt.

 But then there's me and my bowl of ice cream, talking to boulders.

So, where am I going with this? To Jesus, of course. Because even though He's not a physical guy at our shoulder, somehow the fact that He's our supernatural God in our hearts can fill that gap. I'm working on feeling it right now, but I've heard it enough and read it in His Word enough to KNOW that it must be true.

Because think about it. How big is God? Let's see:

He created the Universe. Like....the whole stinkin' universe. Have you considered lately how BIG the universe is? Galaxies upon galaxies, stars upon millions of stars, the distance of a light-year, the black spaces that go on for infinity for all we know. Yah, basically...He made that. He's our big universe-creating God.

He can bring a rotting carcass back to life. That's like taking an inanimate object, as lifeless as say, my toothbrush, and making it become alive. Okay, that's big.

He made a woman's period stop. Let's all of us females just take a moment to appreciate this fact. Imagine that you've been bleeding for seven years without stop (imagine the cramping!) and it's not a three day, five day or even seven day cycle...the bleeding never stops. For seven years. And then...with just a tiny touch, He stops it. Just like that. New woman, like one of those beaming women in a birth-control commercial.

That's our big God. Breath in that fact. And then breathe in the thought that surely, a God who's supernatural and so BIG can fill up our hearts, my heart, your heart, with an equal feeling of love. You've really got to wrap your mind around it, because without the visual confirmation of His love, it's so easy to just not get how He can do that. Because it doesn't make sense, especially as our female heart long SO much for the love that comes from a guy being in our life. I want to see it with my eyes, I want to physically feel it and I want everyone else to see Mr. Handsome walking next to me holding my hand like I'm more precious that rubies.

But He's big, friends. God is big. How simple we are if we can seriously hold the Word of God in our hands, full of the testimony of His power, and still doubt that He can fill that void in our hearts. It's NOT the same kind of filler as it would be if it was a guy, but it's God Himself. Yes, different and yes, enough.

I know it's hard to make our hearts, programed to want a special love, override that code and accept the presence and confirmation of Christ as enough for us. It's hard to believe. But we need to believe it. As Christians, we are called to believe it. What's the point of surrendered our lives to Christ, our creator, if we continue to hold on to doubt that He's not really going to be enough for us, in those times when it feels like everybody’s got somebody but me?

It's a game-changer, this big God of ours. Let's believe in Him.

And maybe as I'm sitting here typing this on my bed, still dressed in my pj's with my teeth still unbrushed, I can believe it, too.


Written a few days ago.