Monday, July 30, 2012

Monday ~ My Terrestrial Masquerade Ball

After reading "The Prodigal God," by Timothy Keller, (which had a tremendous impact on me), I was recommended "Grace for the Good Girl," by Emily P. Freeman. I immediately bought it from Amazon, and began reading it yesterday. And I'm so glad I did. **Thanks, Michelle!**

The book is all about the masks we wear, that "good girl" mask. Not the good-girl mask that hides secret sins, but rather the good-girl masks that hide our insecurities, our pretenses at perfection, and the try-hard-ness to do everything right. The past year, the Lord has been gradually revealing this to me - that I am the "elder brother" in the Prodigal Son parable (read the first book I mentioned!); I am determined to do the God-thing right, but not because I'm passionate about God and living free, but because I'm stubborn and want to look good. I'm dedicated to God, but not delighting in God. It makes me look good on the outside, but I frantically hide what's on the inside. 

Now, it some defense for myself, I've come along way the past few years. You've read my blog, you know where I've been spiritually. And I can honestly tell you that I don't pretend as much as I used to. As a teenager and in my early-20's, I DID pretend though. A lot. I wanted to be the good-girl that everyone wanted to be like.  I wanted to be the wise one, the strong one, the one that everyone went to for help. And people did. And I liked it. And so, I thought that by pretending to be the someone that I wanted to be, that I would naturally be that person. But beginning the summer of 2009, all that got completely stripped away, and I found myself a broken, bleeding mass whimpering under a bench in King's Cross Station (figuratively, of course ;). In the three years since then, I've come to know who I am. I've come to love the life God has given me; to love the physiognomy God has given me ; I've come to know what I'm made of and be confident in being exactly who Kellie is. I've become okay with not being the perpetually strong one. I'm stronger today because I know that I'm still weak.

But...of course, I still have insecurities yet to be dealt with. And I still try to hide them; keep them hidden so that you won't see that I've not reached perfection yet, despite all the growth I have gained. So, here's my confession.

Who I Want You to See All The Time:

                    a creative, artistic, ingenuous minded girl
                    content living at home
                    talented at photography
                    a calm, collected independent working woman
                    always smiling
                    a vivacious, active relationship with Christ
                    a working prayer life
                    calmly content with being single. All the time.
                    unshakable faith in God's timing
                    doesn't cry over stupid things.
                    never get jealous of married, pregnant, or in-a-relationship people.
                    confident with exactly who I am
                    a pure, held-captive thought-life
_          self-controlled in eating and actively exercises regularly
                    never struggle with depression, discouragement, or disillusionment
                    always has the right words to say
                    fluent in the Scriptures
                    joyfully obeys the Lord in whatever He asks
                    the kind of girl you admire and want to be like.

Who I DON'T Want You To See. But Who Often I Really Am:

                    an artist by accident. Mostly because of Pinterest.
                    I love my family and home, but I want my own place so badly I can barely breath.
                    I tell you I shoot in manual like I'm a pro and hope you think I have a long accomplished history in photography. When in truth, I only took a summer class.
                    I hate working. I never thought I'd have to work a job because I was supposed to get married out of high school. I sometimes cry on my way to work. I just want to live at and care for a home.
                    My no-ones-watching face is usually a blank face.
                    I have a good relationship with God, but it's usually only about a fourth of the time that I'd say I walk in any victory.
                    My prayer life often consists of asking God “why?”
                    I'm usually happy with where I am today, but tomorrow's bareness is suffocating. I want to get married. Very much. I know God doesn't forget us, but I still feel forgotten and overlooked a lot of the time. I know God doesn't love other girls more than me, but often I feel like He does.
                    I question “God's perfect timing” all the time.
                    I cry over stupid things. A lot.
                    I get so jealous of married people, especially those younger than me. I blocked some married people from my FB news feed because I can't bear to always be reminded of their marital bliss as they begin "multiplying and replenishing the earth."
                    I am often insecure and unsure of myself. If I don't know, I pretend that I do. I often wear my hair down so I can hide my face behind it. Really.
                    I struggle a lot with keeping my thoughts pure.
_          I've gained about 20 pounds in the last two years. Because I can't stop eating. And the only time I run is when I hear my phone ringing in my room.
                    Fighting depression, discouragement and disillusionment is a daily battle.
                    I usually have no idea how to encourage or give advice.
                    I have a hard time remembering Scripture verses. I barely even try.
                    I fight God on most everything He asks me to do. He usually wins, but only because I know it's the only “good girl” option, not because I'm that crazy about God.
                    I'm really not the kind of girl you admire and want to be like. Really.

This doesn't describe me all the time. But unfortunately, it has this past week. I put up my Penelope-mask (because that's who Max/Jonny/James MacCavoy liked!) and tried to fake you out. But I'm turning myself in and I'm here for the interrogation. Don't think I'm perfect. You probably didn't, haha. But I was still pretending with myself that maybe you've think that, and so I lived under a darkened, airless mask instead of twirling on a hilltop in Austria singing like the hills were alive. And not even noticing the movie-camera zooming in.

Seriously. Go read that book. =)

Trivia: can you spot the three different movie references in this post?!? =)


  1. What a brave post Kellie! I admire your brutal honesty in sharing about who and where you are in your life. Many of us don't want to do what you did in this post but I'm sure you're enjoying the freedom of 'taking off the mask'. You inspire and encourage me!
    I can relate to a lot of what you said here. Praise God for how He has and is working in You!

    PS. As for the movie references, I only recognized Penelope and Sound of Music ;)

  2. The honesty in this post is so refreshing - thanks for reading the book, for being vulnerable, and for weaving in movie references to your post. Because that is awesome.

  3. ..aaand I just realized I wasn't signed in when I left that comment above.


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