My life's been busy lately.
Working full time. Planning a hang-out night. Cleaning house. Grocery shopping. Running errands. Going Home to see the family. Taking my car into the shop. Trying to figure out how to get to and from work without my car. Deadlines.
Busy. Not so busy that I'm pulling my hair out and going insane...but just that hip-hoppin' busy that keeps me always on the move and my mind busy with life management.
Just busy enough that...
....God has been put on the back burner. My bible sits untouched at the bottom of my purse. My prayer life consists of one line or two before I'm distracted by something that needs to get done. I hear the name of the Lord more often as a curse word at work or in a movie, than coming across my lips in worship or praise.
And the bad part of it is...part of me feels "stronger" because I can do this thing without God's help. I can manage my busy life and have a good time...without Him. I don't need that time spent with Him because really? I've got things under control.
But I needed the Lord the moment I felt that truck slam into my car. I needed Him as I stood on the side of the road with traffic going by talking to a total stranger about car insurance, etc. I needed Him when I wasn't sure what to do next. I needed Him when I found myself unusually unsettled behind the wheel again, after having been a part of an accident for the first time. I needed Him while I talked to the insurance companies trying to get things to work out in my favor.
But it all got worked out, so...
Oh, that's right - I can do this thing myself.
I like feeling like I can do it without God. It makes me feel strong. Able. Independent. Self-made. Owing no one.
But the TRUE story is that that feeling of strength...is just a lie. It's a feeling that's not based on Truth. It's not real. The moment I start feeling strong without Christ...I lose touch with reality and my life becomes just a fairy-tale place in a self-made utopia.
I've been duped. By me.
I've been tricking myself into thinking I can do it alone. And I fall for the trick so easily because...I really just want it to be true.
Yah. I know. Sound the alarm and call in the child-catcher! Bad Christian girl on the loose!
I've known Christ long enough to know that I really can't do it on my own without Him. But I've also known myself long enough to know that it's "fun" to try and it's easy to trick myself into thinking I can really do it.
So, this is me just being transparent with my faith-journey today. My sad, puny little faith. But still yet...a faith. A little faith that's authored by a Big God. Who is gently reminding me lately that He's not going anywhere, even when I think I've got it under control.
Lord, give me a heart that truly wants to rely on You in every way.