{Because who doesn't like a random picture of homemade snack mix?}
It's funny really, how I cried over moving out and how I've also cried over moving back in. They're the same loss and gain, although in reverse orders from each other. But the big thing is that with both, I'm losing an expectation that had become really important to me.
When I moved out into a life of independence as a single woman, it was an idea that never even occurred to me during my growing up years, as I never thought I'd do anything other than get married and be a wife. So, in a way, moving out on my own was symbolic of saying goodbye to that dream of love and marriage.
In moving back home, it's once again leaving behind something that's become important to me - only this time, it's my independence. Not an "I can do whatever I want" kind of independence, but more of the "mature woman" variety of independence. More like "here out on my own I will be who God created me to be." Hard to explain but something like that.
Both were and are and will continue to be hard, especially as I get older. Because yah, "older" is becoming more of a reality, folks. Don't dismiss me, friend, because twenty-six, no matter how you look at is, is a bit on the older side of young. Admit it. In six months, I'll be pushing twenty-seven. Excuse me while I go breath into a brown paper bag.
But anyways, what I'm really trying to get at through all of this is simply this: what if I didn't hold on so tightly? What if, rather than always seeing my life as something that should stay in a fixed formula, I just let go and took life easy as it happened? Because I'm a planner, a list-maker and I don't like change. So, when things jump the track and go shooting off in a different direction, I just don't do so well.
Life isn't a test that must be aced or all is ruined. Life is a journey, an adventure, a mission and a gift. Turning it into a time-table removes some of the joys that can be found through simply stretching out the arms in readiness for wherever, whatever and whenever God decides to do something.
After all, in the end...this world is not my home.
Yes, I love your conclusion--the world is not your home! And I know just a bit of what you mean--I recently lived with my family again for a month, and going back home as an adult, after you've already been the mistress of your own house--is a very different experience!
ReplyDeleteYes yes!! In some ways, I'm excited about being with my family again...but then in those other "I really like my independence" ways, I'm really not looking forward to it. I felt so "right" to be out on my own and so, packing up my things today, feels so wrong.
DeleteBut I know God is in it, as He always is. I'm realizing, especially this past year, how God doesn't always give guidance through peace or conviction of a certain way when we ask for direction. I usually think that He'll supernaturally reveal it to me, through a verse or just a word heard in the quiet or a sense of "go hither." But there's been loads of times lately where I've felt no such guidance, for yay or nay, and so I had to sort of blindly choose the way myself, based on what I know about God, how my circumstances have been situated around me and just what is the most responsible thing to do. And I've begun to see the traces of God in those decisions, how He was guiding me, but it was secretly and from behind the curtain. Which really, is really awesome.
I can relate to this from beginning to end my dear friend--we're much alike, us list-makers & planners. ;) You hit the nail on the head with your conclusion. Praying for you, & grateful I have a friend like you as we navigate life & figure out the PROCESS of surrender all with God's help & glorious grace.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Megs!! I know I've been an awful friend lately, never writing or anything, but thanks for being patient with me! :)
DeleteLike all of you posts, I love the little journey you go through as you process and I love how your posts always conclude with you not looking down on yourself but looking up to God. Girl, you are such an inspiration to me--don't ever EVER forget that!
ReplyDeleteAs a fellow planner (I'm kinda tying in a response to both this post and the previous post as well!), it's hard for me to realize that my story is not one that follows the fairy tales. But, like you said, we've got it good. Sometimes it's just realizing that that makes the world of a difference.
p.s. So glad you're blogging again! I've missed you, your writing, and your pretty photos (that sunset is so pretty and that snack mix looks yummy!).
A-men. Exactly what I needed to be reminded of today.
ReplyDeleteThis world is not my home...
Kellie, this is THE perfect post for me to read today. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned to you that I'm living at home as well, after living on my own. Just this morning, I was cleaning "my" room (and I put quotes around that, because it's more my mom's paint studio, I simply have a bed, a plastic bin of clothes, and a side table full of books in there) and I just started crying. There are things I love about living at home, but I miss (SO MUCH) living on my own. I miss my apartment, with my decorations and my furniture. I hate that it all is just sitting in a storage unit on the north side of town.
ReplyDeleteBut, your simple, yet BIG, reminder at the end of this post is something that I forget WAY too often.
"After all, in the end...this world is not my home."
This world isn't our home and God places us in different places for different reasons that sometimes only He knows. I just want to remain open to His will and allow Him to use me here, while I'm at home. Because we all know that He can use us anywhere he chooses. :)
Thank you for this post.
"Life isn't a test that must be aced or all is ruined. Life is a journey, an adventure, a mission and a gift. Turning it into a time-table removes some of the joys that can be found through simply stretching out the arms in readiness for wherever, whatever and whenever God decides to do something." I love that so much and it's something I need to be reminded of! Praying for you, friend <3
ReplyDeletethis >> "After all, in the end...this world is not my home." oh dear how i can relate to these words. for different reasons than yours maybe, but still -- what a sweet assurance this is not home yet. in a much lighter sense i think i experienced a bit of what you're feeling when i moved back home this year after spending a year away in college in Michigan by myself. it has been somewhat hard re-adjusting to life not being just about "me" and what i want to do or not. so i guess in a little way i can relate to ya ;) i can imagine it must be hard for you, giving away this new independent life you found, but i do know our God is good and His plans are also good, and i really really hope the best for you being back home and wherever you go after that <33 xoxo
ReplyDeleteOh gosh, I can't quite believe I'm only 3 years away form turning 30, I can't be! Because I was supposed to have been married for almost 10 years and running my very own Plumfield (what Jo ends up doing in little women) by now.....but alas, God obviously has VERY different plan for me and what can I do but hold onto his hand and take that oh, so very scary leap of faith with Him by my side? =)
ReplyDeleteMight I sit down and snack upon that snack mix with you? I want you to know that I pray for you often and hope you also know that you can contact me if you need anything. I love seeing how you're allowing God to work all His grace into your life. I know it's a difficult season, but those are often when we feel Jesus the closest.
ReplyDeleteWow, I hope I never get over how much God loves us each individually and how He orchestrates things in our lives. This past week has been an interesting one for me; not in actual life events, but just my thought process.... trying to maintain my trust in the Lord and the direction my life is or isn't going at the moment.... the things I am struggling with, God continues to give me just what I need! Today I got an email from a good friend with some good advice/insight and then your post.... I too am a planner, don't like change, etc. I like to know what the future holds... so I can plan for it. But that's not giving me the opportunities to trust and have faith in my Heavenly Father! Thanks for the reminder that I need to approach life with open arms and take it as it comes. This world is not our home for sure.... so why do I get so stressed with my earthly future? God is in control!
ReplyDeleteWhile I've never actually moved out of my parent's house, I've been "on my own" several times while traveling/living overseas. So, I understand the adjustment of being back at home, especially as time does go on and I'm not that 19/20 year old anymore.
Anyways, this comment is sort of a rambling one; hope it makes some kind of sense. Just had to comment after reading this post.
God bless you, during more changes of your life. :)
Beautifully written. It is so rough sometimes when life doesn't go exactly as YOU planned. But we have to constantly remind ourselves that God's plan is far greater than our own. :) Praying for you friend.
ReplyDeleteWow, girl, I can relate to this SO much. I am the same way – a planner, a list maker, basically a big ball of anxiety about plans and things going and staying a certain way. It's easy to get caught up in that. But letting go and letting God be the one guiding us is such an amazing feeling when I actually do decide to let Him take control. Letting my controlling personality take over my life is no way to live at all! You're right – life is an adventure to be cherished :)
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